self hating girl

Same cold steel blade
stained with last nights crimson pain
same place tonight
same knife to the same vein
I lick my blood
and suck my wound
sit tastes like pain
and hurts like you
a sick little self healing ritual
to forget about another wasted day
but this is the night I go too far
today I kill all the shame away
watch me kill myself
and know that Im doing it for you
everything I get the courage to say
you fucking say you already knew
Ive shown you the worst side of me
no wonder you think the worst of me
you used to take pity on me
but now youre just fucking glad you aint me
glad its not your body
cut up and slit open to the world
glad as fucking anything
youre not this rotten self hating girl

shut the fuck up

I read through your lies
Your words of concern
They're not what they seem
I've seen your true side
You've convinced everyone
That your love is sincere
They don't see what I do
When we're left all alone
The words that you speak
Assumptions you make
Not listening to me
But to all of my "friends"
You don't even know me
So shut the fuck up

released

Lover's fire
Burns within
Passion flowing
Deep inside
Heart are pounding
Flesh on flesh
Perfect timing
Bodies move
Caress and touch
Fevers rise
Only ceasing
At the time
Boiling temps
Sweaty skin
Trembling
Quaking
Just released

searching

Finding me
The one I lost
The picture not
What I used to be
Now I'm here
A different place
Loving all
I'm seeing now
Passion heats
Inside my soul
Desires rise
I never knew
Rekindling what
I knew was there
Hidden far
Beneath the surface
Hungry for more
Can you handle
All that I am
The new and the old
Merging before you
Inside of me
Stronger now
Than the past
Searching for
The things I need

sharpened lies

The soul cries out from infinite pain.
The heart die slowly from jagged rain.
The drops of rain sharpened by the hands of your lies.
The heart brutally beaten, you laugh as it dies.
Fresh skin slit under the blades of your tongue.
You speak cruel words "come on baby isnt this fun?"
I bleed, I strain, and I cry jagged tears.
Sharpened by the hands of your lies.
My soul brutally beaten you laugh as it dies.

shes a little

Shes a little crazy
Shes a little mad
Shes a little shy
Shes a little sad
Shes a little happy
Shes a little blue
Shes a little girl
Shes a little lost too
Shes a little scared
Shes a little down
Shes a little girl
With a little frown
Shes a little girl
Shes a little me
Shes a little dead
Or soon will be
Shes a little girl

scared and scarred

Leave me alone
I'll be fine
It didnt bleed a lot
my only hope is tha
tmy life is next in line
The pain starts to seep in
I shut my eyes
and hold my breath
try to secure my cries
Im scared of my future
Im scared of my life
Im scared of him and them
Im scared to cut any deeper, but
I leave it all up to the knife
Im sick of lifeI try to shout
but "no reason," or "I dont know"
is all that comes out
I’m sick of me, I’m sick of being sad
I’m sick of you telling me
that I shouldnt be so mad.

shes gone

Searching, looking, seeking
Where did she go?
She appeared just the other day
In the blink of an eye,
She was here,
Disappointed
She was gone
So many plans she said
So many losses I have given her
I had no solace to offer
So off she went
Leaving me alone to
Crying for what I should have done
For what I should have been
The things I've seen
Her innocence I've lost

remember me

Remember me?
I doubt you do
You played with my heart
And found it cool
You didnt care
And you werent aware
People do have feelings
Yours just arent there
So if you do fall in love one day
I hope they play your little game

shocked that I would leave

Youre shocked that I would leave you
Is it really such a shock?
It kind of was determined
the second you first hit me
my heart was smothered in pain
it rained
for hours
my eyes they did rain
for hours
you never saw
still how is it so easy
for you to not care
your apathy wears away at me
I can no longer bear the abuse
That which Im given by no means
can be confused into love
I know what youre doing
so dont act like youre blind or then again,
maybe you are
I was taken for a prop?
A love machine?
You could use and
then put down what are we doing this for?
To cause each other tears
or to make a brighter way
if you love you wouldn't say what you say
if you love me you would love ME every day
So Im going to leave you
now you say you cry and you blame it all on me
now you say I lie but I never lied
Ive just had enough of being mistreated
Again by the one I gave my very soul and trust to
I loved your great compassionate heart from the day I met you
what has happened to the compassionwhat has filled it's space?
That you forgot to give and saw me only for what you could take
I never thought I would hear the words you said today
I never thought you could deface me that way
I thought love was here but that was a mistake
Dont ever say you love me
when you can hurt me though I try
and never think twice
I ask God why

art of mating

Stolen, lost and plucked free of childhood innocence
Wasnt abandoned, as they wish to see
I didnt give it up, I was 3
If I could go back in time, I wouldnt
Nothing would change
Id still be me, youd still be you
Theyd still be them
You won them over somehow
It wasnt your personality
Even as a young child, I seen the fraud
Yet you were still allowed to touch me
To take away form me something
Ill never get back
He, touches me, I hate you
And him in the process
Its not right,
I hate to be hugged
I hate to be kissed,
The thought of his tongue brings me back
I never scream though
For this you would be proud.
You win I lose
But hes not a winner
As bad as it may sound
He loses gracefully.
In the art of mating
Im in control,
Or so I used to think
But really, its you
Its your touch I fight
Its your kiss I hate
Hes lost somewhere in the middle

the treatment

The Treatment
There was a time I was a child
Though I can't remember this
There was a time when I was young
That's the way they say it is
I must accept the information
They give me 'bout my youth
Without it there is emptiness
And that's the total truth
The fact is I remember not
Years within my life
I've only bits and pieces
And of those I cannot write
I went to some professionals
To look into my past
They came to their conclusions
Then set about their task
Now if you treat the symptoms
The disease will still exist
But what if you treat the disease
And the symptoms yet persist?
It seems something is wrong
When this is the case
So I look for a ray
But I see not a trace
Time passes by as symptoms increase
Depression, fear, anxiety,
And dreams that are recurring
Which make no sense to me
I once thought of suicide
As a permanent solution
It seemed the perfect answer
To the painful evolution
I know for me to take my life
Would end their lives as well
And the permanent solution
Means an eternity of hell

the mask

The Mask
In a desperate search for safety
I twist, I turn, I hide.
Running from the fear
The fear deep down inside.
It makes me shake, and want to cry.
This fear inside of me.
All I do is hold it in,
So no one else can see.
I can only wonder why,
And if it's even real.
"Who is this?"
"Where'd I go?"
Is really what I feel.
What lies behind this mask I wear
No one seems to see.
Even when I look inside
I know it isn't me.
The pain,
The hurt,
The anger,
It’s all I ever know.
Sometimes I look into their eyes
And wonder,
"Does it show?"
The fear they've caused,
The pain I feel, I'll never let them see.
I am ashamed of what they've done
Even though it wasn't me.
Will I ever find myself?
This I do not know.
I know she's hiding there inside,
But is she strong enough to show?

the girl isnt me

There's a girl in my mirror crying tonight,
and there's nothin I can tell her
to make her feel alright.
There are black streaks
on her face left by mascara tears
and nothin at all
can silence her fears.
She thought she had it all
Never knew how hard she could fall,
standing amidst the rubble and debris
That girl in the mirror
doesn't look like me.

the end

Their words became painful whips against my pride. The yelling which pounded inside my head left me with headaches so bad I couldnt stand it. I tried so hard to fight them, day after day, but it became harder and they grew stronger. The more I fought, the weaker I became. My body couldnt handle their immense power, and my mind couldnt handle their thrashing. I soon began to withdraw my innerself, my true form, from the world. The things I once loved became shadows of a forgotten life. I preferred to pass the time alone in my darkened room with but a single candle to light my proceedings. At least here I could cry without shame, here I could fight them without being heard. This was my sanctuary, and although I was not safe in it, I was alone. I could escape the judgment of the cruel world; I could accomplish what needed to be done. I let the silence surround me, and the darkness engulf me, drawing me into my darkened hole. I would shine the razor, glistening and silver in the dull light, allowing it to cast a haunting shadow on the adjacent wall, and then I would cut my pain away. My mind would go blank as the ecstasy of this pain presented itself. As I cut, they urged me on, they told me that when I stopped, my shame would return. So for them I continued until that piece of my skin was swollen and red. I couldn’t fight them. Twenty years of crimson pain were shed upon the cold hard floor that night. No longer was I expected to fake a smile, no longer did I have to lie. No sound escaped my tear soaked lipsas I quietly wept, alone on the white ceramic of my bathtub. Such a fitting end to my lonely life, I was alone in this world, I was alone in death, but at least I would finally be truly alone. No longer would I have to endure the dry, raspy voice, which had caused so much pain and doubt in my life. No longer would I have to fear his childish words, convincing me of my death, as he told me glorious stories of a friendship I could have, a friendship which could never be. The voices were gone for the first time in years and they would never come back. As I lie there on the ground, the life draining from my pale bloodstreaked body I could hear everything. I could understand the quiet lyrics as they sang to me their cyanide secrets and deadly dreams. I could hear my dogs quietly sniffing at the door questioningly. In those last few minutes, I listened to the water, rushing from the silver faucet, which had been turned on to conceal my last cries. I heard the drain swallowing the water, which had mixed with my maroon blood and salted tears. In those last moments, everything had become so clear, the cloak of secrecy had been lifted off me, I sat there, exposed to the world. I remember the peaceful calm, which swept over me like a comforting blanket. I can still see that last image of my blood, my life, flowing majestically down the drain in a wondrous hue, I finally finished that which I had started so many times. As I exhaled my last breath, two words escaped my lips, which had protected sso many secrets before now. “Im free” With these words I closed my eyes and let my life flee from me, for I never feared death, I feared life with out death.

cant take my soul

The pain I feel
Is something you don't see
These things haunt my soul
They have let me become who I am today
The things I see in my dreams
Soon become reality
And they are all set free
Like demons coming out of a box
That haunt everyone I know
The demons get released
Every time I close my eyes
When I see the demons coming to take away my soul
I feel the need to run and hide
To try and save myself
But they tend to find me
Wherever they may be
Soon enough they'll find me
And then they'll take my soul
These demons that I fight
Seem to always win
No matter what I doI'll always lose control
There's no hope for me
So before these little demons come to take my soul
I'll slit my wrist and my throat
So then those demons can't take my soul.

to buy a little time

Drugs are bad!
Yes I know,
but, there is nothing,
I wouldnt give for another toke,
just one more smoke,
give me a drink,
so I can think,
just one more line,
its not a crime,
Ill buy a lil’ time,
time away,
away from his place,
my god I’m such a disgrace!!

change

When I close my eyes
I see the past.
I close them tightly to make the vision last.
Change has come
It's happening every day.
I can't go backthere is no way.
I'm growing upIt's all too soon.
I ask myself these things when I stare at the moon.
Why does change happen when it hurts so bad?
My emotions about it are neither happy nor sad.
You can't stop itthere is no way.
Change is coming
It's coming today.

censor me

Censor me censor me censor me
yeah ill be your golden angel
Ill be the one you show off
Ill be the picture perfect one
have I told you today to fuck off?
Censor me censor me censor me
Ill care what they think
Ill fit into their tiny molds
Ill be that picture perfect girl
have I told you today to fuck off?
Censor me censor me censor me
Ill do whatever you say
Ill never question your orders
Ill be that robot you wanted
have I told you today to fuck off?
Censor me censor me censor me
Ill be the pretty little centerpiece
Ill complete your happy lies
Ill be seen and not heard
have I told you today to FUCK OFF?
Go on and censor me censor me
Ill never realize the irony
Ill become just like you
Ill be the mini version of you
have I told you today to fuck off?

cant sleep

I cant sleep, Im not tired again tonight
so I lay in the dark putting up a fight
sometimes I see things that aren’t there
my eyes turn white, and I get scared
its over now. I made it out somehow
its so easy for you to make me break
and every opportunity I give, you take
you say you love me
but you know you cause me misery like no other
dont say you love me
deny your lover, deny me, you know you love her
youre everything I covet
you know it. And you love it
I wish I were more open and outspoken
I wish I could take off my disguise
I wish I would tell you my life isn’t broken
but Im too tired right now to lie
more pills to drift me off to sleep tonight.
Goodnight.
I hope I wake up to a beautiful sight

refuse to believe

The things I can see about you
no one else does
the things that are buried deep inside
just because,you're scared.
I don't know why you try to hide
so much from me,your big fake smile
isn't gonna make me not see
all the pain inside.
I'm real,
I don't believe what people tell me,
I believe what I see.
And what I see right now
is a man who is hurting so badly inside
that he doesn't even realize it anymore
because he's learned to ignore it.
And this shield you've built up
around your true self is invisible to me
because I refuse to believe bullshit.

call me a child

You call me a child
and tell me to grow up
instructing me how to live my life
teaching me how to behave
but at the same time you
tell me how you are madly
in love with me
and thats why you fuss at me
like a child
well if I'm a child
and youre in love with me
that makes you a pedophile
and Im not about to stand here
and be lectured by some pervert
who thinks he is better then me
so Ill just move on

kiss of death

Welcome to my degenerator
I would explain but I don't care!
I'd much rather see you suffer
Pain indescribable.
Tear out your organs with a simple toothpick!
Take a look at the world around you
Just before you die
Let me here you scream!
There's another side of Hell!
It's me, only me.
It's my death machine and me.
It erases you gene by gene
Until your world falls down.
Yes, you bastard
Let the tears flow.
Before your eyes
So much you can't see anymore.
Neglect is a dream
And your sleep medication.
Prepare for my wake
And your suffocation.
Take a look at the world that shuns you.
It blows a kiss to you
The kiss of death!

cant see it anymore

I didn't mean to do it.
I thought that they would not be seen.
I thought that all the shit
Was done by machine.
Well, ignorance
Is recklessness,
I now can see.
I now can cry and beg
Down on my knees.
I did a simple task
And it kicked me in the ass
Expect the FBI
Waiting to the side
As I count the hours
I look at all the scars
Those things gave to me
And I can't see me anymore

can you relate

My minds not thinking clearly
And my words aren't coming out right.
I have to say the opposite
Just to not start a fight.
My face is getting acne; my knees are getting weak,
From the stress of this cold cruel life.
From pointing out the obvious.
From hiding from the hype.
Am I alone or
Can any of you relate?
Doc says take some pills
And the shrink says to masturbate
Well, my hands always moving
And my eyes are never closed.
Round and round this life go
Where it stops nobody knows.
The secrets given to me are
Secrets I already know.
The more and more that I seem to grow
The more often I overload.
Am I alone or
Can any of you relate?
Doc says take some pills
And the shrink says to masturbate.
Have you forgotten
Or can you still all relate?
Are you still being given pills?
Are you still told to masturbate?

list girl

I'm a list girl
And I count
And I add more
And I cross out
And I'm adding
And I'm adding
And I'm adding it up
Cross out that
Knocked out that
But I'm adding
Always adding
And it grows and grows and grows
And it grows and keeps on growing
Here I cross
There I cross
But it's growing growing growing
Groaning as it's growing
The infernal list of items
On the detestable To-Do list.
The taskmaster from hell.
That commands and dictates my moments
Sucked away into the abyss
The infinite sea of uncompleted tasks
Awaiting your attention
Finish me! Cross me out!
I've been here forever!
You know I must get done!
Quit procrastinating!
DO ME!DO ME!
NO, DO ME!
NO, ME!NO, ME!
And it grows
And it sucks
And it consumes my life.
It's insurmountable.
The unquenchable thirst
Of the cancerous list of tasks.

voices in my head

The voices in my head
will speak
Like a classroom
when the teacher leaves,
or pets
left alone and hungry
But they are only there
because theyve got me
to listen to them
The voices in my head
will not be quiet
Not until I am
The voices in my head
are speaking above the music
Like a fool of a DJ
reciting this weeks number one
Maybe somebody else
would enjoy this
But Im banging on the walls
knocking at the doors
Turn the volume down
and leave the party

given up

I cant get out of bed
I cant face yet another day
I cant put on my smiling mask yet again
I cant hope for any better than yesterday
I cant. I wont
I wont pretend to be something Im not
I wont go through my daily torture
I wont hurt again
I wont get out of bed
Ive given up.

falling apart

Just rocking myself to sleep here,
Feeling like death is quite near,
Only holding my own aching head,
Tossing and turning in my own bed,
This feeling of loneliness is aching,
I now I find I am shaking,
Salt water rising to my eyes,
Overflowing with the tears I despise.
I can't see anymore,
Within my chest my heart has tore,
A crystalline crack of my soul's window pane,
Now my tears are cascading like summer rain.
I can't keep pretending you are still alive
I must realize of your presence I've been deprived.
I wish I could bring you back somehow,
I wish I could see you now,
But wishes won't bring you back, nothing will,
The thought of that makes my heart stand still.
These wounds of mine won't heal,
This hurt seems all to real.
Can't I stop this pain?
Can't I just will it all away?
Shake my free of it clawing grasp,
Destroy the thing that makes me gasp,
Fall in upon myself on endless torment,
No one to hear my forlorn lament.
It hurts; help me, my poor heart,
Please hold me I'm falling apart.

meant to feel

Words evade me,
While my mind tries to persuade me,
To feel something inside,
Something that shows I'm alive;
But no, emotions elude me.
Is this how it is meant to be?
That I should feel this hollow inside,
Has my compassion really died?
Where does my hope now dwell?
And from where comes this anger I can't quell?
I hold myself, all alone here,
No one hear to sooth my fear,
That I won't be able to feel anymore,
That I'll just stay nothing to my core.
No aemons here for me to fight,
Yet there is neither joy or light.
Only myself and my mind's turmoil,
Who's pain will soon be coming to boil.
But no again, for me to escape,
On top of it all my soul is at stake.
I try not to let depression take hold,
Though my friends say I am being much to bold,
I'm clinging on a cliff's ledge,
A few centimeters and I'll be falling off the edge.
Falling further and further from sanity,
Loosing all my sense of reality.
I just want something to realize all these tears.
My heart and soul from their salt sears.
But to them I appear only cynical,
They can't see my hurt has come to a pinnacle,
Trapped in this burning void within,
Making me feel like a deadly sin.
Perhaps I am,
But then, do I even give a damn?
I hate pity and sympathy,
And I am not too fond of empathy.
I am in a living nightmare,
My control is hanging by a single hair.
Nothing right now seems quite real,
I don't even know how I am meant to feel.

inspired to nightmare

Running, running, tripping, falling
Shivering, screaming, slipping, crawling
Screaming I wake, gasping for breath
Trembling I wail wanting my death
Tormented I am in my sleep
To all this pain that makes me weep
I live in a world of forgotten hope
There are no dreams to help me cope
My days are a perpetual night
Which is a demon that I cannot fight
I see people who can't open their eyes
And a world that is wrapped in lies
I behold this hideousness everyday
And for it to be gone I pray
I don't want to be blinded my ignorance
which humans build up as their defense
I want to see the joy and the pain
I want to go dance in the acid rain
I want to show you what I see
I want you to see how this world could be
So I let these demons haunt my night
Showing me the pain and all life's plights
To dream? Should I? Do I dare?
No but I am inspired to nightmare

in my head

I woke up and they were in there
they didnt settle in
they moved in on me
I made room for them
and offered them a cup of tea
they raided the fridge
scattered bits of food on the floor
I sat in the corner
they rearranged the furniture around me
and crowded in on me
I tried to join them
but they werent having any of it
they pushed me to the wall
and stamped around loudly
I turned on the radio
they smashed it and played with the pieces
I tried ignoring them
but they wouldnt get out of my way
in the end I gave up and went to bed
when I woke up they were in there

to be the last time

Was it to be the last time?
It had been several years
Since the very first occasion
Had brought me close to tears.
You may well wonder what I mean
For I myself don't know.
But it's inside the thought will count
And nothing's left to show.
These four years were very long
But eventually elapsed.
An hour of time to less than minutes
Sometimes was collapsed,
Lie there now, and ask me if
It was the last such time.
And there is, sadly, no way left
You can call what I did a crime.
Was it to be the last time?
I certainly hope so.
But until we see it wasn't,
We'll never surely know.

mental home

The mental home they call it
where all mad people go
I am afraid, nowhere to turn,
and nowhere to go.
Padded cells,
no way out you can scream
and they won't hear you.
The voices start calling
and they want to take over
you let them
and you're there lying on the floor
with nothing left worth living for.
You want to end you life
but you’re on suicide watch everyday
you think to yourself
surely hell is a better place.
The screams of other victims
in the cells next door
can make you want to bury yourself
in the stone cold floor.
And that’s where you stop living
you want to die
but you can't and that hurts
and you cry
and that’s when you've hit it
that’s when your really mad.
and you've lost it!

I wasnt there

This morning came and went,
I hear.
I don't know - I wasn't there.
I remember nothing then,
I fear.
Fast asleep,
I didn't care.
I sat the journey there and back
And could not stay awake.
Began to show, those hours I lack.
Not even woken with a shake.
But now we have completely
Our own relative situations.
I'm wide awake while you're deranged
Conducting no conversations.
What happened today I cannot recall.
With luck, maybe nothing really at all.

my little room

Here I am again
I just love being in my little room.
I am safe here and no one can get to me.
Here there is quiet.
So I just snuggle down the best I can.
And turn off the light.

bedlam renewed

The preacher stopped by
and all was grand
We all gathered round
and prayed
hand in hand
but when he was gone
the closeness went too
the bible put away
and the bedlam renewed

I wish I hadnt

Every day I wake up
And wish I hadn’t.
If only I had stayed asleep
I wouldn’t have to face the day.
Wouldn’t have to pretend
to be someone I’m not
My mask suffocates me
It’s so hard to breathe
Behind this smiling mask I act.
No one knows who I am anymore
I don’t remember who I once was
My character has merged with me
The edges are not so clear anymore
Not so different.
I appear happy
While my soul is tearing itself apart
I am being destroyed
Inside out
And no one will know
Until it’s too late.

sleep

Phantom pain
intimately recalled
that curled up
wordless kind of fear
a small child's death wish
and blanketed,
thumb sucking
"sleep"

stay or leave

I will be sincere
I really need you here
I don’t know what’s wrong
I feel I don’t belong
should I let you in my heart
so you can rip it apart
or maybe this is real
hold me.
Help me deal
I don’t wanna be me
all the hidden things you don’t see
its all deep down inside
endless nights I have cried
one day I will let you into see all my pain and sin
but first tell me this is true
because I, I really love you
Will you stay or will you leave?

its you

Stolen, lost and plucked free of childhood innocence
Wasn't abandoned, as they wish to see
I didn't give it up, I was 3
If I could go back in time,
I wouldn't
Nothing would change
I'd still be me, you'd still be you
They'd still be them
You won them over somehow
It wasn't your personality
Even as a young child, I seen the fraud
Yet you were still allowed to touch me
To take away form me something
I'll never get back
He, touches me, I hate you
And him in the process
It's not right,
I hate to be hugged
I hate to be kissed,
The touch of his tongue brings me back
I never scream though
For this you would be proud.
You win I lose
But he's not a winner
As bad as it may sound
He loses gracefully.
In the art of mating
I'm in control,
Or so I used to think
But really, it's you
It's your touch I fight
It's your kiss I hate
He’s lost somewhere in the middle

never hurt me

Afraid to be free and to love with an open heart.
To lay my soul down upon the chopping block.
This is no reason for this fear.
But I have felt the pain before.
I don't want to feel that empty again.
You say that you love me
but then I see the doubt in your eyes.
You promised that you would never hurt me.
When the time came to stand strong
you faltered and fell like a wet cookie in the rain.
How am I to trust you now.
You come to me and say the same again.
Promising that you will never hurt me.
Will you falter again when society
tries to come between us
Because they don't see the love?
I want to believe your words
but my heart has crawled behind that wall
and is braced like a dog going to the vet.
I don't know if I can dig out from behind this shield again.
It took so much the first time.
You promised that you would never hurt me.

to give a fuck

To give a fuck,
Would mean a lie.
To cry again,
I’d die.
The pain,
I’ve promised myself,
To never feel again.
So I’ll sit alone,
Or in your arms,
With a smile across my face.
PrayingI’d never do again
Just what I’m doing now
My life is circling
Every time I see my future
I’m brought back to my past
Left alone with a paper and a pen
A keyboard and a fifth
Another link unto my past
So I sit with a false smile across my face
A pain in my chest, that can never be undone

Never again

That look in your eye
I’ll never forget
To give up would mean failure
To quit would mean uncertainties
I never meant to hurt you
That which you must understand
I’d die a million deaths
Be raped a thousand times
Cry a river of tears
To simply not see that look in your eyes
Not hatred or fear
Which I see every minute
But pity for a soul
Who can never see past the pain
You allow me to stay lost
To try would mean too much pain
One neither of us could bear
So I sit quietly and cry all alone
Of these things he done
The pain he caused
To not me
But you
He came into my life
With a promise of friendship
A trust unquestioned
I failed my life, and myself
I trusted what would never happened
And hurt us all in the end
My weakness apparent
He left me there
Crying all alone in your bed
Praying for your forgiveness
Wanting your reassuring touch
Yet knowing I’d never feel it again

I dont need it

You say that you care for me,
But there's something you don't know.
Once a man forced me to go
Where I didn't want to go.
He held me down, he hit me.
No matter the fight I fought
He enjoyed the screams and tears
Relished in the sight of blood
As he cast me into the pits of hell;
When it was done, I felt like he
Had pierced my soul with nails.
Oh, my man, I can't go on.
How can I tell the rest?
As he forced himself inside
That ugly, fateful day.
He ignored my demands, my begs, my pleas,
And even my imploring.
I still have nightmares about that day
In which he visits me again.
So if I wake up crying in your arms,
Don't worry, it's not you, it's him.
However, I'm doing a little better
Each and every day.
Although he left me in hell to die,
I'm now on the back.
So my man, I just thought you should know,
Since you say you care.
But will you care now
Now that you know where I’ve been
Will you still care now that you know
I'll sometimes wake you up,
Sniffling, crying, shaking in fear,
You say you want to know
And will accept it
No matter what I say;
But will you still
After I've said this today?
Although I'd like your help and comfort
I can do it without.
Although I'd like your help, I don't need it,

lover not a partner

I’m not asking for commitment,
And your heart I do not need,
All that I really want from you,
Is written here for you to read.
I don’t need to be constantly loved,
I’ve been there so many times before,
Yes, I do feel for you strongly,
But won’t risk being hurt any more.
I want a little bit of passion,
Not a love that never really ends,
I don’t want us to get too close,
Don’t want a broken heart that won’t mend.
I don’t want you to give me security,
Don’t want you to love me everyday,
I don’t want us to become too attached,
I have to be able to walk away.
It’s not that I don’t think you’re great,
Because deep in my heart I do,
But I’ve been hurt too many times,
I’m just unable to devote myself to you.
Don’t want you to take me in your arms,
And promise to hold me forever tight,
All I really ask of you right now,
Is for you to want me for just one night.

The moon

We looked upward to the moon.
You from your vantage point,
I from mine.
I had no idea what I would do.
I had no idea of the pain I would cause.
I had no idea of the pain I would experience.
At one time, I talked of building a great rocket ship,
to take us to the moon.
Whisking me way from my place, you from yours.
Our hearts briefly touched, for only a short while.
But that rocket ship never made the trip.
I lost so much. I know you did also.
My world collapsed around me.
Darkness filled my soul.
I was cast out into the void, the dark abyss,
where no sun could shine.
No moonlight.
I had to give you space,
or I would only hurt you more.
Letting go was the most painful thing
I have ever done.
Valentine, I hope you know how sorry
I am for hurting you.
I think about you every day, even now.
You had all the "whys".
You were and are so beautiful.
I never wanted to hurt you.
For the rest of my life,
when I step out at night,
I look up to the moon,
and pray that you are okay.
You in your world and I in mine.
A part of me will always love you.
Always.
You may not believe me,
but it is true.

You

Here in the night,
It winds me up inside,
That you,
Whom I love
Whom I hate,
Would go and lie.
Here in my mind,
It burns me up sometimes,
Here in this shelter of myself,
You can still find me.
Walk alone and wait here
Until I start to disappear.
Stare at the moon,
We started fighting too soon,
Why did we yell?
Did we not care?
I do not know.
Standing on the edge,
Of a forty yard ledge,
Saying "should I jumpoff the world?"
Well should I?
Too much staring.
Not enough caring.
Walk alone and wait here
Until I start to disappear.

Always come back to me

When you looked into my eyes last night
I was afraid of what all you might see
But I didn’t turn away
I held your gaze for an hour it seemed
Before you calmly walked away
Walked out into the night, out of my life again
Yet I know deep down, that you’ll resurface
You always do in your own time
When you’re ready and not a second before
And when you come back we’ll pretend once again
We’ll forget last night ever happened
Forget the words we said
Forget the love we almost shared
Why you do this, I’ll never know
I’ll never be what you want me to be
Our views won’t change, we’ll never agree
Our secrets will never be shared
This is the way it is and always will be
So why can’t you see? Why don’t you stay?
Why do you always come back to me?

I say goodbye

I say goodbye
And nevermore will I cry
I say goodbye
No reason I have to lie
I say goodbye
And I don’t feel depressed
I say goodbye
My feelings are not repressed
I say goodbye
Laughing as I walk away
I say goodbye
For nothing more will I say

I'd let you go

If you should leave
Id let you go
I wouldn’t chase you
Nor beg you to stay
Though every fiber of my being
Would scream in protest
I would stay silent
If you should leave
I wouldn’t tell you
How much it hurt
Or how many tears I shed
I wouldn’t tell you
Of how I would wait
Just in case
If you should leave
I’d give you my blessing
However reluctantly
However painfully
For I would never want
You stay somewhere
You didn’t want to be
If you should leave id understand why
And despite the pain and anger
I know you’d leave me with
I would always care for you
For what you have given me
And for the times you had stayed

never meant to hurt you

I never meant to hurt you
With my pain, my fears
I never wanted you to feel
As though I didn’t trust you
I never meant for you to be hurt
By the ones that hurt me
I never wanted to be the one
Who’d cause you to feel that pain
I never meant for you to feel
As though I wasn’t listening
I never wanted you to think
That I doubted the love you professed
I never meant for you to feel
I was rejecting you
I never wanted any of this
But what I mean is I’m sorry
And what I want is you’re forgiveness

want to leave it all

So what is the point of going on
when you live in a place you don’t belong
no one can see who you really are
and each word they say leaves another scar
you cant even walk 2 feet
without getting pushed or beat
you feel like you're nothing at all
wanting to scream, wanting to fall
you stand up and hold the knife
you try to cut out the pain of this life
you want to take the next step towards death
like jump of a bridge and not hold your breath
you need something to fill this empty space
cuz you know you're too weak to leave this place
starting with the drugs all the time
you find yourself all out of line
you dig in your pocket for one more joint
cuz you know your at your lowest point
desperately searching for something else
to take you away from all this hell
then she came along and pulled you out
she saved your life without a doubt

I dont want it anymore

There are days
When I want to forget
Wipe the slate clean
Become someone new
There are days
When apple pies and lilac sky's
Can slightly modify
Yet inside
I'm still 14
Still afraid
Alone
And betrayed
If this is strength
I don't want it
If strength means fighting
Never ending
I don't want it anymore
If strength means facing
Battle after battle
Going on, never resting
I just don't want it anymore
I am tired, I've had enough
I don't want it anymore
I want to give up, to rest
Let it overwhelm me
I just don't care anymore
Am so sick of fighting
So sick of the war
Never ending it goes on and on
Just can't do it anymore
I hate this strength of mine
I don't want it anymore
Strength was once my savior
Now its just my curse
And I don't want it anymore

stuck back here

I want to look past the past with eyes open
But I'm still stuck back there
I'm still stuck back there
I want to change my mind to see the difference
Between night and day
When the world turns it's back on me I realize
I'm still following it
When I want to look behind me I finally realize
I'm still stuck back there
Still stuck back there I feel so blue
So broken
So alone
Unable to touch another
Unable to love another
Unable to be real
Unable to be human
I don't want to hide in the past where my fears linger
But I'm still stuck back there
I'm still stuck back there
I don't want to give in to the world that holds me back
Because the truth just hurts too much
I feel so broken
When I don't want to understand myself again for now
I'm still stuck back there
Still stuck back there I feel so dead
So unattached
So unaffected
Unable to be true
Unable to shed a tear
Unable to lie to myself
Unable to see the truth
I'm still stuck back there
Stuck back here

Swirling darkness

Darkness swirls around
enveloping me
taking my breath away
Choking, struggling
against the dark
reaching out
feeling nothing
Searching
for the light
to lead me back
from this hell
I find myself in
In the distance
What is that I see
A glimmer?
Or is it just my imagination
wanting, needing
the light to take me
warm me in it's embrace
Hold me forever
Away from the darkness.

Integrating

Looking in the mirror
Has I've done so often before
I still see her, not me
Who can fix this?
Not me
Not shrinks, or friends, or parents
We've all tried, we've all lost
Is this a hopeless cause?
If it is, it must end
She must be me, I must be her
But how is the question
We must reunite,
This I know for sure
But integrating these two,
I just don't know how

Innocense I've lost

Searching, looking, seeking
Where did she go?
She appeared just the other day
In the blink of an eye,
She was here, Disappointed
She was gone
So many plans she said
So many losses I have given her
I had no solace to offer
So off she went
Leaving me alone to weep
Crying for what I should have done
For what I should have been
The things I've seen
Her innocence I've lost

July 25 1997

That night
as my body was stolen from me
little did he know he
stole much more than that
I have no ability to think to judge to love
he stole my days and my nights
my dreams
my thoughts and my goal
she could not possibly realize how much he stole
when he just took
a little "piece of ass"
an eye for an eye is how I am thinking
but no matter what I do to him I will never get back my soul
I will never be able to trust
to love, to care, about a man
in the normal way
no matter how much lie to my self
tell my self I am ok
Tell myself I am strong
tell myself I did nothing wrong.
No matter how much I lay, July 25 1997
will always, be the day
my spirit, died

the treatment

The Treatment
There is a time I was a child
Though I can't remember this
There was a time when I was young
That's the way they say it is
I must accept the information
They give me 'bout my youth
Without it there is emptiness
And that's the total truth
The fact is I remember not
Years within my life
I've only bits and pieces
And of those I cannot write
I went to some professionals
To look into my past
They came to their conclusions
Then set about their task
Now if you treat the symptoms
The disease will still exist
But what if you treat the
And the symptoms yet persist?
It seems something is wrong
When this is the case
So I look for a ray
But I see not a trace
Time passes by as symptoms increase
Depression, fear, anxiety,
And dreams that are recurring
Which make no sense to me
I once thought of suicide
As a permanent solution
It seemed the perfect answer
To the painful evolution
I know for me to take my life
Would end their lives as well
And the permanent solution
Means an eternity of hell

Inside her mind

She sits and stares,
thinks and dreams,
from inside her mind,
a child's voice screams.
Her eyes glaze over
tears stream down her face,
the memories of a past,
she cannot erase.
She closes her eyes,
but the vision is real,
the child inside quivers
from the shame she feels.
The sadness spills over,
her hands begin to shake
as the anger of the adult,
slowly begins to wake.
From inside her mind

Child wants to die

Why would a young child want to die?
No one would miss her or even cry!
She hurts too much to play life's game
too small she is for this burden of shame.
She doesn't know if she can take much more
why, in God's name, did he call her a whore?
The drinking the screaming, does it ever abate?
It only gets worse as the night turns to late.
Why was she born? She wishes she were dead
Tomorrow, they say, is another day, new
would they say it still if only they knew?
Look out! He's coming.
God please let her die!
Too late! He's here! There's no where to hide!
Why would a young child want to die?

set me free

I can't be the woman you want me to be
I'm sorry for the confusion,
I'm not the same girl you knew years ago
she was just an illusion.
When I look into the mirror
where a young girl once looked back,
I see a changing, often confused woman
with traits the girl did lack.
I can't recall the feel of your arms
or the love you gave that turned so cold,
Will you wrap them around me just once more
before I grow too old?
The carefree child you met back then
is playing hide-and-seek;
I often call to her to comfort me
yet she does not speak.
I'm unsure what my destiny holds
what fate or road I'll go,
All I know now is that I'm not
the helpless child you once did know.
Do you want me to be a little girl forever
so you can shape my life for me;
all I want is to be happy
so I can let myself be free!
I've disappointed you once again
I assure you it won't be the last time,
But it will be the final moment
here is where I draw the line.
Who am I supposed to be?
I vow to find that woman who can set me free.

invisible tears

Invisible Tears
I’m sitting in my room now,
thinking of all the years,
thinking of my past,
and crying invisible tears,
the tears cannot be seen,
by my family or my friends,
because I hide behind the other emotions,
but the wall of protection never ends,
Tears drop down my cheeks,
as I think of all my fears,
I’m slowly melting away,
as I cry invisible tears.

little girl gone

Where has that little girl gone
the shy one that they adore
she’s been faded and withdrawn
now she’s the one that they ignore
she's gone and so alone
wanting, needing a love for inside
cant find a place to call her home
mixed emotions she can no longer hide
tortured by your stick
beaten by your whip
bruised by all your words
all that’s hidden is so absurd
as cold tears run down my cheek,
many words I cannot speak
if only I could close my eyes and wish it all away
with hopes and aspirations it will be better someday
she used to live in reality
and she was full of life
now she’s just another fatality
who’s gotten a hold of the knife
she throws objects out the window
from the pain that’s been bestowed
she takes another blow
to see her red river abode she cant go on like this
like there’s nothing wrong
cuz’ she’s lost in this abyss
of things she thought were gone
she needs to find her strengt
hand someone to really listen
cuz her minds a blank
and you are what she’s missin
more than 3 times denied
in pool of blood she lied
like emotional suicide
no other soul in which to abide
I watch my body slowly fade away
hoping I’ll fly again someday

it should be over

I won.
It should be over,
finished, not dragged on,
months go by before an end.
I fear, constantly for my life
for my friends
family fear for their safety
when they are near me,
or even far.
I don't know what they think.
I don't know what they'll do.
I think that is the problem.
I am afraid,
because I never know,
what will happen next.
Can't you see from the look in my eyes
I am suffering.
Not only from the pain you bring
but from the longing.
I need something to hold onto
some sort of reality.
I need piece of mind
and stability.
I hunger for a normal life
one with meaning.

hear me

Here, in the shadows I am alone with myself.
With a blood stained doll, I cry.
Rocking and talking
To the doll I hold
But it does not hear me.
Someone hear me!
'It's okay dolly. I'm here for you.'
You ask if I'll wake up.
Tormented always
By thoughts of you.
Just one night
I hope I'll sleep dreamless.
I cry again.
Wont somebody hear me?
Stroke my cheek? No?
Wash away the tears.
Away the fear? No?
Wont somebody hear me!?

the creature lies

Be careful when you close your eyes
for within he darkness, a creature lies
He is the ghost who haunts your brain,
And when you sleep,
You're in his domain
His mouth twists in an evil grin
Weakening every strength with
He replays the same old haunting tale
where he used you and left you
Broken and frail
And with every nightfall he visits again
Reopening your wounds so they can never mend
You can fight all night but you'll never win
Cause as long as you sleep
You'll relive his sin
So be careful when you close your eyes
for within the darkness a creature lies

Ugly baby doll

Take my very breath from me,
encourage the screams and bruises
a slap stops my silent tears
rage builds.
Then I cry for your forgiveness.
Someday,
Someday I'll get you to stop.
Alter my body for your every need,
reach my soul with your penetration,
embrace my rigid body, make it hurt.
The fornication of my mind,
the appreciation of the pain
lasting scars on your ugly baby doll.
Left behind is your reminder to me,
That I am nothing.
Into your hell I fall,
Fall until I am burned alive.
Never showing my tears, my aches, and my desires.
Give your anger to me.
Dejectedly, I endure your love.
Hopefully, for the last time.
Overcome by your power
I abandon all hope;
waive my rights to life, and I become nothing,
All I was All I will ever be.

InSineration

Anger, aggression
Bottled up inside
Unable to escape
Locked up inside his mind
Rage, heat, red
Blinded by anger
Driven by insanity
Having the urge to terrorize
Madness taken over
An invisible cage
Trapping his sanity
Holding it captive for eternity
Crash
Anger letting loose
Taken out on objects
Which feel no pain
Deformed images
Not made out right
Colors and shapes
Mashed together in the mind
There is no love
That beats in this
Cold, uncaring, tired heart,
Nothing but bitter hatred
And resentment.
All I ever wanted in my life
Was to keep it from someone like you.
I never liked you.
I want to kill you.
I curse your name.
I scream because of you
And all the shit you bitch.
You're a fucking disgrace.
You tried to play God
Without divine wisdom.
The diarrhea that rolls off your tongue,
Shoots out of your mouth,
And dribbles down your chest like vomit.
You make me sick.
My ears aren't listening.
You twisted pins into my eyes,
But I can still see through
The holes in your palms.
Even the planets collided
To avoid all your bullshit,
BullSHIT,BULLSHIT!
I'm tired of explaining myself,
Defending myself.
This is who I am.
If you can't handle it,
Fuck, fuck, fuck you, motherfucker.
You worthless piece of shit.
I always knew you'd fall.
I've seen you pour salt in my wounds
And boiling oil over my head.
You forced poison down my throat,
Ripped oozing scabs from my bloody body,
And rubbed acid in my infected sores.
Have a seat,
And I'll nail your nuts to the chair.
One day I'll kill you,
So get ready to die.
Murder is the answer,
To rid the world of your putrid filth,
Your profane, useless existence.
Bring the shit!
I won't fade away.
If I go down, I'll go down fighting.
Fuck you, you fuckin' fuck.
My only pleasure is your pain
And seeing you die.
Fuck the world and fuck you all.
You motherfuckers fucked with me.
I hate you more than life itself.
You are my enemy.
I want to watch you bleed,
You made your little sister bleed
From her rotting, maggot-infested cunt,
A cunt infected by the Devil's cock.
You suck!
Crucifixion for all!
Die, motherfuckers!
I'm full of hate.
I hate myself,I hate you,I hate society,
And I hate my life!
GODDAMN FUCK!
I can tell by the look in your eyes.
You want to see me crucified.
FUCK YOU!
Unleash Hell!
GO!
Crack like a whip
Your twisted lip,
And I will watch you trip.
Into a giant pit you'll slip.
Like lambs to the slaughter
What do you want?
I can't give you any more.
Take it or leave it,
Look deep into my eyes,
You'll see it's you that I despise.
One day you'll lie bleeding in the gutter.
You'll try to scream out, but you'll merely stutter,
And I'll walk right on by like nothing's the matter
And stomp on your head to watch your brain splatter.
'Cause I'll fuck you, fight you,
Anger you, and spite you.
It's time to face your fears,
I'll goddamn kill you.
Beat the Devil with a shovel.
My destination?
InSINeration!
Flesh melting from my bones,
Incised with a scythe.
I will rot in Hell.
And I will see you there,
You goddamn,
Cocksucking,
Motherfucking,
Son of a bitch.

Damaged Goods

I am damaged goods
Irreparable
Or so I think
Others think so too
That is how they wanted it
That is why he hurt me
That is why they let him
Hurt me the way that he did
I wish that I didn't feel like this
I wish I wasn't so damaged
I wished until I could wish no longer
Wishing doesn't make it go away
Damaged goods I continue to be
Who to blame?
Was I not strong enough?
To resist the abuse?
To resist the pain?
To resist the pleasure?
To resist their assertions of love?
To resist their excuses for the abuses?
Who can tell me?You?
But you weren't there, you didn't see
How can you say what it was or wasn't?
I can't trust your perceptions
I can't trust anything
What damage you ask?
You can't see the internal harm
I have learned to hide it from society
And from myself as best I can
But with any amount of self-probing
I find it,I cringe,I run,
But it remains, damaged.
I want to go to those who did it
And ask for their assistance
Help me; I say, with sweetness, eagerness
Love me, I am really asking
Really love me this time
They remain
Just as they always were
They will only do more damage
I couldn't handle any more
I am already too damaged
So I sit hereDamaged
Wondering,
What do I do?
I try to do everything that I read and hear I should
I shouldn't continue to allow myself to remain so damaged
It is my responsibility to fix the damage now
What a surprise, I say to myself
Sarcastically,
So I get the pain,
The work,The damage,
And what does anyone else get?
Especially those who hurt me?
Nothing
They get away,
They get to live their lives,
Away from the pain,
Away from the damage,I sit here.
StillDamaged.
The endless circle,
The vicious circle,
Never-ending,
So it seems.
Damaged goods,I remain,
That was how they wanted me.
What to do when someone messes with you so much
Screws up your mind to such a degree
That you can't possibly think far enough ahead
Can't possibly sift through the wreckage
Can't possibly handle the total import of the whole situation
For you needed them too much
You needed them for you life depended on it
What to do?
There is no one there that has the answers
There never was and never will be
No human is capable enough
To have saved me in the first place
To save me now
To reverse the damage
I flounder
Through my life
Still hoping somehow, someday
I will rise above this
Somehow on my own
As I always was
From such a young age
Overcome
Conquer
Become something more than
Damaged Goods.

feelings

What do I feel?
How do I feel?
What does that mean?
Are feelings things?
Why do they hurt?
Can we really control our feelings?
It seems as though everyone else has more
control of my feelings than me.
Why can't I feel?
And, when I do feel, why am I sad?
Why do I have to hurt?
Did he do that to me?
Did I let him?
Why?
Why couldn't I stop him?
Why did he hurt me?
He said he loved me.
Why does he continue to hurt me?
I want to let go, but how?
He's always there.
He's in my sleep and he's in my day.
I want to be happy, but how?
I'm away from him, but it's still happening.
It's still happening as I remember.
I want to be strong and healthy.
How do I stop the destruction?
They tell me, to heal, I must feel.
But it hurts so to feel.
Am I supposed to hurt?
Please help me remove the pain.
Please let me feel.
Please let me overpower the.
Please let me be happy.
Please let me feel alive again.

darkness

Darkness
Darkness falls all around
I try to make out what is there
I feel his hands on me
pushing me and pulling me
fear has silenced me
darkness shields him
his force his great
and I yield to him
He took something of mine
I can never get it back
I did not want him
to take it
but he did
and now it haunts me.

the things that follow

The Things that Follow
it's more than the act
it's the lifestyle that follows
knowing you broke down
in the worst way
at the most inopportune time
it's a parasite
slowly eating you out
it's the sledgehammer memory
pounding your skull
every time you close your eyes
it's a thought never said
a heart always broken
it's the smudge on your clothes
the wrinkles
that separate you from all
the other straight-starched people
it's a disability
to which others sympathize
yet no one
it seems
can empathize with
it's a stunt in your growth
it's the glass wall
you subconsciously build
between you and those
who said they would be there
and weren't that one time
it's the slur in your speech
that everyone senses
but can't quite detect
it's resistance to love
it's blame
it's that time of excruciating pain
between feeling sick
and actually throwing up
it's those days when you want to just hide
forever
it's a constant cold
it's covering your head with shame
it's living as a statistic
it's was drives you
to residing to an easy escape
it's when living turns to surviving

Dremt of him

Dreamt of Him
Last night
I couldn't sleep
Nightmare after another
Kept calling back
My memories
Unbidden and clear,
Last night
I dreamt of him.

like you owned me

You
Touched me like, you owned me
It's a little short of, I don't care
Why do you, want me to feel
This way, about me, about you?
Will you do it again?
I don't think the first time, violated me enough
If boys are toys
Then how come my little toy
Misbehaves?
You owned me
Divided me, right down the middle of my gravity
A little bit short of
I am yours, not mine
Calling all the rich boys
Calling all the poor men
Own me again
Own me again
So pathetic, cause the rules apply to all of you
Just own me, might as well
Kill me over again

Once upon a time

Once upon a time
I loved you
With all my heart and soul
Once upon a time
I believed you and in you
With every fiber of my being
Once upon a time
I lied to myself
So I could believe and trust in you
Once upon a time is over
The fairy tale has ended
The book is closed and hidden

Rot and burn

Go to Hell
Rot and burn
Enjoy your life
Cause I am gone
Forever
No more tears from me
For you
No more lies
Or drunken stupors
No more of me on my knees
Begging for your forgiveness
For something you had done
Not me
Black eyes and bruises
Have come to an end
Now that it's over
All I'm left with is
Questions
Never able to find an answer
Not even sure I want one

I trace my scars

I trace my scars with
My finger
The slight upwelling
Of the skin below my eye
I trace my ribs with
My finger
The outward rib
Makes me cry
Remembering
When it happened
How it happened
Why it happened
I start to cry

You made me who I am

You stole a lot form me
That I can never get back
Some may replenish, given time
But others lost forever
You took my virginity
The one thing we both prided
You may not hold the blame
For the loss of innocence
But that nite, the blood I shed
Made you a very dirty man
And me?
A cold, heartless, frigid bitch
You took my self worth
And rammed it down my throat
With my skull against the wall
With your dick in my mouth
You took away the gentleness of love
With the words that spewed from your lips
As I lay across that bar being ripped apart
In the name of love
And learning to respect and obey
I learned, I truly did
I learned not to trust
I learned not to care what happens to me
I learned not to fight it
You taught me not love
You taught me to fear human touch again
I learned a lot that nite
You made me into a true woman that nite
A cold heartless bitch of a woman

use me, abuse me

Use me
abuse me
fuck me
dump me
hate you
fuck you
kill you
forget you
lie to me
cry to me
plead to me
beg to me
I believed you
I loved you
I needed you
I felt you
you fucked me
you lied to me
then you cried to me
I listened to you
I trusted you
I helped you
I let you.

fuck you

Hatred surrounds me wherever I go
all my hope is lost from your little show.
Hatred for all things, mostly for trust,
the evil keeps lurking and hides where it must.
Each shred of dignity falls piece by piece
chemical substances are my release.
It seems rape is accepted, the victim is wrong
trying to change your mind just takes to damn long.
I just try not to think about what’s going on.
We use violence to fight for a violated person
a victim, a survivor, a liar, a whore.
I am sick of these words I have heard all before.
I respect those who care for my life more than me
they do what they can to get me to be free.
To fight violence with violence just doesn't seem right
though I may be wrong, I think this late at night.
I am hopelessly trying to make sense of my thoughts,
there is nothing to do but you keep doing lots.
I just go with the flow and hope for the day
when my memories are erased of when he had his way.
You've all had your say and you've said it out loud.
I'm a whore,I'm a slut,I deserved what I got.
I wanted it more than anything else,
I lie,I'm diseased.
I could have fought back;
I'm stronger than him.
Well fuck all of you,
you've made yourselves clear.
I've heard your opinions and I don't share your view.
Go fuck yourselves I know that you can,
you've done it before and you'll do it again.
I sit here and hate all life around me,
I'm hurting enough so just let me be.
If I had my way I'd kill each one of you,
when I was done I would kill myself too.
Fuck you, I wish you had never been born.
My heart still beats even though it's been torn,
Would things be easier if I were dead?
It could be arranged,
I'll do it myself to erase all the pain.
But first I have just one thing to say,
two words to make all the pain go away.
Fuck you and fuck you I hope that you die,
Fuck you, you know and I know that you lie.
And fuck you, I hope that your happy now,
Fuck you, you bastard, just go right to hell.

Please die

I have killed you a
thousand times inside.
I have gotten my revenge safely,
I have seen the good in people,
and the bad,
but I can see no
good in you.
There are animals
that are more human than you.
Have you once thought
back and regretted a thing?
Probably not,
I have killed you a
thousand times inside,
but you haven't died
in my mind.
It is a fine scar
you have left on me
inside and out.
I have killed you a
thousand times inside
PLEASE DIE!

I just wanna die

Losing my life again
Slipping from your hand
The empty cup I hold
The pain that’s never shown
Now it hurts worse then before
I can't suppress anymore
Death is on my mind
What will I find
Some say heaven or hell
All I need is one more pill
So empty inside
Too much shit I cannot hide
I cant take this
I hurt deep inside
Someone please help me
I just wanna die

self denial

I slashed my wrist
Gave the knife a final twist
In a search for inner peace
Some sort of release
I am a born again nihilist
I don’t need you to be my apologist
Pump some heroin into my vein
To try and release the pain
You can call it self-abuse
Or just another excuse
To avoid facing up to reality
That’s just my mentality
I am into self-denial

Bouncing off the walls again

Faces in the crowd
Bored as hell turning the channels around
I can feel the change
Cause I hate every beautiful day
Pull myself together just to fall once more
Waking up on the bathroom floor
I am bouncing off the walls again
24 hours on an empty brain
I am bouncing off the walls again

Another day

Sitting here I'm all alone,
here it is another day.
Silently thinking to myself,
then I start to slip away.
Maybe it's the weed,
or the pill that I just ate.
It's fine because I like it,
this feeling is so great.
I am very dizzy,
I just need to sit.
I do this all the time,
it's OK,
I'm used to it.
I don't feel so good,
I'm sure I'll be OK.
I'm not really worried,
this happened yesterday.
I'm not scared at all,
I feel better than before.
I guess that means I will,
do a little more.
I am really happy
,my pain just went away.
Just to do it all again,
tomorrow is,
another day.

Her happy place

She ran to her happy place
Locking the door,
She leaves the world behind.
She stares at the
She takes a sip and another
She drinks until she has reached
Her happy place.
Where she can't feel any pain.

This thing inside of me

I have this thing inside of me
It won't go away, it won't come out
Is it a rage I feel?
I want to destroy this room,
And everything it represents.
Smash it to pieces, bleed on its walls.
Scream out my pain, take it out on him.
Swallow a bottle full of Tylenol PM.
Maybe it will drown out the pain.
Then curl into a ball and cry.

tears of tomorrow

Tears of Tomorrow
I'm hating life so much,
I just can't take it anymore.
Think a noose tied rope,
Around my sorrowed neck;
Think and empty vodka bottle,
The contents wrapped up inside.
Each drowning the darkness of my days,
And highlighting the tears of the night;
In the depths of despair,
Screaming out, but not heard,
Crying the pain,
Bleeding the tears of tomorrow.

love hurts

Screaming for help
Praying to God
Begging for someone to hear
Those desperate cries
Of the child so lost
For way too long
So long she doesn't even know now
She doesn't know
That drinking hurts
That drugs kill
That love hurts

I write

Words. Frustrations, fear, isolation, anger, pain, sorrow, and shame. Familiar words, friends, known all too, well. Words. Strangers, passing acquaintances from someone else’s life. Words. A constant struggle, the overwhelming need to be heard, the petrifying fear that no on is there to hear, or care. I write because I can’t say the words. I write because I have to. I write because I know if I don’t, I die. I write.

Black on white

I write. Words on paper. Black on white. A pen, a typewriter, a computer. The things I use to express myself, to reveal the anguish, the memories, and the fears. Intangible, abstract often obscure phrases filled with metaphor and symbolism. Page after page of black on white, the words is as two dimensional as the paper they are scrawled across. No cry for help, no scream of anger, no sound is heard but the soft whisper of paper floating down to earth. I have no voice to read the words aloud, it was taken from me, many years before. No utterances of outrage, no pleas for mercy. Unable to protest the violations, I write. Feelings, emotions, held so tightly inside that I cannot breathe. The tears in my eyes go unshed for fear they will be seen. Thoughts, memories, startling flashes of hands and angry faces, all battling for attention in my mind. Random, unwanted, a dance of pain set the discordant music, the screeching sounds of a million wounds wailing in the wind. Unable to speak, I write. Unable to stop the sorrow, I write.
Existing as a dichotomy. One has the blindness of youth, a faith in love that time has not tarnished, a devotee of fairy tales and happy endings. A mind still clear and quick, hungry to be filled with wisdom and able to close the doors on memories, hiding them away like broken toys no longer need. A heat that beats strong, straining to break the boundaries that age has imposed, aching to be touched. Courageous. An explorer always looking for a new land, a new adventure, unafraid. The other has the blindness of experience, self-imposed, defensive, cynical of life and love. A mind cluttered with faded photos, broken records, desperately searching for the broken toys, finding only pieces that cut and burn, behind doors that burst open without warning, then slam shut just as quickly. A heart that beats timidly, rapidly, trying to turn in upon itself, to build walls stone, in constant fear of shattering. Ashamed, reluctant to venture beyond the confines of the familiar darkness, unwilling to open the window to let in the light. Reacting to the past, living in the present, I write. Messages like silent voices, screaming to the farthest reaches of my brain.. Messages that repeat, over and over, like a broken record that no one else hears. Messages, fragments of thoughts, pieces of memories, floating like shards of a mirror in space. Sharp edged pieces of information, cutting like razors into my emotional fabric. I can’t avoid them, they are everywhere, in everything, but to touch them is to feel the pain, and the loss of myself.

You ask why I write

You ask why I write the things I do.
Have an open mind and then you'll see,
what these words mean to me.
I write the things I do because I don't want to scream.
I get asked this question all the time.
It's my turn now.
What do you do to get away from your problems?
Why do you do the things you do?
I know the answer to both.
Because you're you.
Would you rather me turn to drugs and make things worse?
Or write them down to get away?
May be you'll never know what I do, or why I do it.
But till then, just understand I'm me, and you're you

I died today

I died today and nobody cared
No flowers sent, no memories shared
It was just another day
To everyone else anyway
No mention in the paper
No funeral, no undertaker
My family didn't shed any tears
For my life to be taken after 15 years
Suddenly I realized I wasn't dead
It was all just in my head.

Exposed

Day after day
Month after month
Year after year
My skin has become cracked
Weathered by time
The cruel hand life dealt
Has not been kind nor gentle
Layer upon layer
Peeling away
The inner woman
Left naked and exposed
Feeling shame
Unclean
Alone
No amount of scrubbing
Takes away the filth
It only exposes more
How many layers will be revealed
Slowly the truth
Buried deep within
Emerges and is shown
To those around me
Rooted in the foundation of love
And understanding
From those of my kind
The skin of my soul heals
I become strong and beautiful
Like a butterfly
I am set free
From the cocoon of pain
I let it go
I am no longer afraid
To soar with newfound wings
To reach heights never before reached
A journey awaits me
A journey that brings strength and healing
At last the wounds that surround my heart are closed
I am finally at peace

Youre Too late

You're too late
I'm already alone now
You're too late
I can't hold on now
You're too late
I've already given up now
You're too late
You can't save me now
You're too late
I won't listen now
You're too late
I'm already hurt now
You're too late
I've already cut now
You're too late
You can't save me now
You're too late
I'm already crying for my loss now
You're too late
I've already started to disappear now
You're too late
I am dead now
You're too late
You can't save me now
You can't save me
From this fate
You're too late
You've lost me already now

Voiceless Plea

Alone in her room, alone in her world
She’s tearing herself apart
Her life is far from what she want it to be
Held down by tremendous weight
She wants to change
But she just won’t listen to what I say
She wants this life to go away
Alone in her mind, alone in her body
Her life is shattered to pieces
No one cares, no one knows
Her walls are caving in
She screams“Take me away, or help me!
I won’t go on another day this way
I’ll lay here till you tell me
Everything will be ok”
But no one’s there to hear her voiceless plea
No one hears her silent screams
Her friends don’t even
She's falling from their reach
Although they care
She can’t show them
She won’t share her pain
She screams
“Why don’t you take me out of this world?
No longer do I want to be here
I’ll take it into my own hands.
I can’t face tomorrow.”
But no one’s there to hear her voiceless plea
No one hears her silent screams

Bloody tears

Bloody tears roll down my cheek,
Tears of blood my eyes now leak.
I find myself without a friend,
As this pattern never ends.
In my mind is a sharp throbbing,
As the memories are slowly robbing,
And I'm sick of this sobbing.
Memory so keen,
And bitterly mean.
Leave me alone,
In this hell so carefully sewn.
Death so near it can be tasted,
As I feel my life's been wasted.
Everything light,
Then black, no sight.
Am I dead?
Now I see red.
I become afraid,
As life begins to fade.
Bloody tears are all I see,
Deep inside of me.

suicide card

With a gun to my head,
A knife to my throat,
Its so damn tempting,
To let it all go.
With nowhere to run,
And nowhere to hide,
I cannot flee from my pain inside.
Another day comes,
Another to go?
I sit here thinking,
Is there tomorrow?
One Blast or a Slit,
It could all end this,
If it's so damn simple,
Then why's it so hard?
The last time I looked,
I was so lost,
The blood came seeping,
From beneath my skin.
If it's so damn simple,
Then why's it so hard?
It’s time to sign my suicide card

I am now the devil

All the voices inside,
Leading me on this path
Are telling me which direction to go
Which road to take
To grab the knife
And take a slice
One pop of a bullet
And all else fades.
Just the voices left
Laughing, proud in their victory.
The accomplishment they just made.
Another life stolen.
I am now a voice,
Guiding others along,
On this fucked up path.
I am now the devil.

Last Wish

Everything goes pale before the face of death,
Sweet sorrow stands out for eternity,
Give me a way out of this mess,
And maybe I would reconsider,
My feelings lie blurred,
My emotions are in chains,
I feel nothingness so sweet,
Pain eating up my body form the inside,
I want and wish for nothing more.
I ask for nothing much
Just let me close my eyes for the very last time
I don’t want to wake up each morning,
Finding that nothing has changed,
My last wish shall be granted tonight.

A thought of suicide

Nothing seems to make me happy anymore
this colorful world turned into a colorless bore
the things I loved, a fools devotion
so I sit stagnant with no motion
since the world fucked with my head
the only thing left is to ask when I'm dead
but a thrill sparks my interest inside
a glint, the thought of suicide
the biggest thrill in my whole life
to see how far I could drive the knife
without striking my bitter soul
letting life bleed out the new hole
my heart races
a rush of speed to see how long I’d let it bleed
would this be it my last high?
But I’m not sure I wanted to die

My old friend

Cutting through the pain I hid
deep inside so long ago,
unspoken words in my blood whisper
and my penance is complete.
The knife-edge is my painful friend,
my confessor and my judge,
it cleanses even as it hurts;
those bloody lips bless me.
When words have failed me
and my sorrow is too great
when fearful energies course in me
then my old friend will call to me.

I Shed it for you

I couldn't hold on,
I couldn't hold it within.
To the darkness I swept away
The days, the tears
All away to
The pain, the fears.
I have to notice
Your twisted smile
In the clouds like wisps
Of your evil lust,
For this hurting child.
Now engulfed in this blood
I shed it for you.
All I want is for tears
To show how much I hate of you,
Forgiven already is my need
To hold true
To my promise, my vow
Not to kill me
Not to kill you.
So I shall sit here alone,
And try to renew
What happiness
I used to see within
The false lies of the truth
That is no longer alive in me.

Pain

He holds me down
Tears enduring in me
And I feel like now
I cannot do anything
To change these things
But I still feel this pain
And as I hear their stories
Their cries break through
And force this blood
To the surface of me
I want to share the hurt
I want someone to mend
This paining heart of mine
But in the end
There is no trust in me
I cannot ask for help
I cannot ask for love
For none of these are mine
None of these for me
No one is meant to love me
I feel as if
I'm meant to stay silent
And in silence I shall bleed
And hurt for what
Is hurting me
But if I cannot struggle free
Shall I pull this
And once again hurt me
I need my answers
But I have none
For I am not meant to know
The difference between
Pain and finally pleasure
But in the end
Instead of happiness
Pleasure brings pain
And physical pain
Brings me so much pleasure
So what is the difference
Between the emotional pain
Compared to the physical
For both realms are felt
By the brain and it's
Simplicity is this
I am not meant to know
What it means to be happy
For in the end
Everything will end up
Hurting me I cannot hold true to my words
For only there are
A few constants for me
Death, pain, and
Finally
I will die alone
In pain.

To Cover The Stain

Slide the blade along my leg,
Remember who I used to be
Know and hate what I’ve become,
I am never really free,
Blood drips from the gray cold blade
Just as red as ever before,
Pumped by my scattered heart,
Touch my lips to the bleeding cut
A taste of cold life calms my insane mind,
Discover it with the blade,
Try to make the cut deeper,
Deep enough to kill away the pain,
Hurt myself bad enough
To cover up the stain.

An Artist

I am an artist
that no one knows
I draw pictures
That are hidden under clothes
I draw things with a twist
Pictures on my thighs
And on my wrists
No pen
No ink
But with a razor blade
I start to paint

Emotions

Sitting in the dark,
listening to the beating of my heart,
tools in hand, not knowing where to start.
The feelings back,
it will not give in,
not till I feel my tools,
connecting with my skin.
Emotions hidden,
will not be freed,
screaming for attention,
peace is all they need,
Sadness has risen,
from deep within,
impossible to ignore,
but not knowing where to begin.
Pain is unseen,
to people known,
for they see the person,
not how they have grown.
The talking has stopped,
the voice long gone,
the sound forgot,
the hope is none.
Eventually death will come,
the story untold,
and the truth be left,
for one person to hold.
This is a poem,
told from inside,
a girl with a broken heart,
and an ever closing mind.

Vulnerable little girl

Churning spinning thought at full speed
distraction confusion what do I see?
Memories reaching cut like a knife
Questions unending a sentence for life?
taunting mocking a noise in my head
Anger raising the color of red
Smile on my face shattered inside
Searching wishing a place I can hide
Chanting screaming ghosts from the past
Darkness descending how long will it last?
Nightmare sneering
I want to awaken
Realize reality sleep was forsaken
I’m sinking I’m falling loosing my mind
Messy unordered control hard to find
Blood flows freely running so cold
Little girl vulnerable feeling so old

Scar it

Want to cut out the memory
cut it out deep
I want to scar my soul.
Not her
I scar it,
deep
I cry loud
but no one hears
I can cover my scars
I cannot cover his
I am bad
I am to blame
I need to die
I will soon
I promise

My Friend

Tears falling from my face,
Falling for the search is hard,
Searching for myself,
There is no end in sight,
Lining my cheeks are tears and cries,
Crying of the pain,
Crying from the abuse,
Crying to find a friend,
For someone to care and help,
Someone who will not ask the questions,
To know the pain I feel,
To never let me go,
Only make me feel loved,
Love me forever,
Just because you care,
Never leave my side,
Never make me hurt,
Never let me feel the blade,
Never let me crave the blood,
Never let me feel the pain again,
Never let me see their wicked faces,
Never let the darkness take me,
Forever happiness,
Forever loved,
Take my hand,
Lead me to the light and happiness,
Away from darkness and suicide,
Please don't let me fall,
Don't make me fall,
I am scared,Please take me slowly,
Please don't lose faith in me,
You're all I have left,
Please help me, my friend.

MY ILLUSION

I thought I had gotten better,
but I guess I just got worse,
I thought no more pain was left,
I guess that was a curse,
depression is still a hold of me,
I hope it will soon let go,
I’m tired of the pain I feel,
I wish my feelings were known,
the first time I talked about,
hating my life as a whole,
it was in 2nd grade,
and it was eating at my soul,
the first time I cut myself,
I was 9,
feeling hate over power me,
I cut again last night,
deeper than before,
hiding in my room,
crying behind my door,
the blood dripping down my leg,
the scars that are being made,
all the people that hurt me,
they will finally pay,
when I’m dead and gone,
will they cry and feel sad,
or will they walk away,
with the hate they have always had.

Lost Girl

The Lost Girl sits with a razor
So much hate she sees
All the pain, the truly insane
Deep inside she bleeds
She feels the blood burning inside
Throbbing deep with pressure
Exploding in her body and soul
Only her cutting will release her
She helplessly fends for herself
Out in the open wild
Always preying and preyed upon
Dejected and defiled

i dont know

I sat there quiet,
listening to you
angry and annoyed
nothing I could do
too polite to say I was angry
too respectful to raise my fist
if I could I would say to you
and show you how I can scream too
silent but yelling on the inside
soon to be something I cannot hide
If I could, I'd say to you
how angry I am
you wouldn’t be able to hide
from my clenched hand
would you raise your fist too?
When I needed help
What the Fuck happened to you?
How could I not say anything
take it like an animal
and then just let it sting
to end it myself
I wish I could
only put me down while in the grave
you would too.
You say you don’t know me anymore
Well I know you
I don't care what you say
I heard it before
Every time I hear it
I think I die some more
Do us all a little good
Kill me first
Send me strait to hell
You’ll sleep better too

Invisible chains

Tied down by invisible chains
All I hear from you is sighs
You complain and make me hate you more.
I long to hear and see the day you die.
I hate you
I shun you
I want no connection to you
I'd fill you this hate I feel
Or kill you with my favorite source
But I'd rather hurt you first.

Anger

I feel the anger rise up in me
The same anger
That makes me bleed
Inside
In my heart and in my soul
Killing me
With soft whispers of hate
Softly, deeply
But quickly my blood flows
Outwards, pouring
Showing its true power to the world
Slowly but surely It destroys me
I am not it
But it has become me
Angry is all I seem to feel
Why can’t I just once be free
From the anger that’s trapped inside me
The anger which you provide
The anger which you create
The anger that’s inside me now
Only at me it eats
The only emotion we ever shared
Was anger
The only words we ever said
Were yelled
Why can’t you accept me the way I am
The way I want to be
Instead of turning me into somebody else
The person you wished you could be
I am not you
And never will be
Your thoughts are your own
So how can I know what you’re thinking?
I can’t
But you expect me to
You yell and scream and hate
For I can’t read your mind
Though I try
Anything to make you happy
To stop the fighting and the screams
To stop the constant anger inside me

another no name

Don't ask for my trust,
I'll take you out with only one thrust.
Don't sit and pretend to cry,
screw you and all your lies.
Don't ask for any help,
I feel like choking you with my belt.
Don't try threatening me with law,
I already feel like breaking your fucking jaw.
Don't give me a "forgive me" gift,
the only thing you will get back is a fist.
Don't try to buy me off,
you already got me so pissed off.
Don't think I hate you,
you know damn well that I do.
Don't try to screw with my head,
if it was my choice you would be dead.
Don't play with my fire,
it will only raise this wall up higher.
Don't say that your addicted,
you fucked me up so just admit it.
Don't ever say you're my dad,
the only feelings you gave me were bad.

please

He said he loved me.
Why does he continue to hurt me?
I want to let go, but how?
He's always there.
He's in my sleep and he's in my day.
I want to be happy, but how?
I'm away from him, but it's still happening.
It's still happening as I remember.
I want to be strong and healthy.
How do I stop the destruction?
They tell me, to heal, I must feel.
But it hurts so to feel.
Am I supposed to hurt?
Please help me remove the pain.
Please let me feel.
Please let me overpower the.
Please let me be happy.
Please let me feel alive again

No name

What do I feel?
How do I feel?
What does that mean?
Are feelings things?
Why do they hurt?
Can we really control our feelings?
It seems as though everyone else has more
control of my feelings than me.
Why can't I feel?
And, when I do feel, why am I sad?
Why do I have to hurt?
Did he do that to me?
Did I let him?
Why?
Why couldn't I stop him?
Why did he hurt me?

Alone

Alone
Left alone, with no way there
Or anywhere
So I sit silently, crying
I didn't mean the things said
Not to you, not to him
If only
So much has happened
So much changed
Never again to go back
My friend for life,
Can't stand the sound of my voice
And you, my mom
Have abandoned, yet once again
Forever this time
Forever and always we'll be two people
Left alone to ourselves

Invisible Child

Invisible Child
I walk by,
I see you,
You see me.
A glance is exchanged,
I quickly hide.
You don't know me,
And I might not even cross your mind,
But I would give you the world.
Who am I you ask?
I am a shadow,
To you I don't even exist,
I am nothing but the invisible child.

Cant you see

Can't You See
Why can't you be here to help me?
Can't you see that I'm in pain?
Why can't you be here to comfort me?
Can't you see that I need love?
Why can't you be here to laugh with me?
Can't you see that I need someone to share joy with?
Why can't you be here to guard me?
Can't you see that I need protection?
Why can't you be here to be proud of me?
Can't you see that I need someone on my side?
Why can't you be here to advise me?
Can't you see that I need guidance?
Why can't you be here for me?
Can't you see that I need you?
Can’t you see that I need my mom.?

Nobody hears

Nobody comes for her,
Nobody sees her pain,
Her smiling laughter
Is only in vain.
Inside she cries
A bucket full of tears.
To my surprise
Nobody hears.

DaddY I hate you

Daddy I hate you
Daddy I hate your memories.
I hate your voice.
I hate your stupid beard
I hate your eyes,
they make me want to run and hide.
I hate your hands, and I hate you.
Dear daddy, you used to rock me to sleep,
but now I'm lying awake.
I want to scream at you.
I want to run away.
I want some peace to get me though the day
I want to break through some kind of wall that I can't get past.
I want to push you into the dirt, I want make you fall, I want to see you hurt.
I hate your tears, they make me mad, they're not real.
They're just another lie, in this web you've created.
And I'm caught, stuck between what's reality and what was a lie.

Daddy oh Daddy

Daddy, oh daddy?
Hold me tight?I
'm so afraid
Will he return?
I'm so violated daddy
Please stop the pain.
Daddy oh daddy,
How do I stop the pain?
Protect me daddy
Please don't let him do it again
Oh daddy please takes this fear away

Daddys arms

As a child I would lay
With my eyes shut, oh so tight.
Fearful of the shadows
And noises of the night.
I only had my dreams
To keep me safe from harm.
I had no where to run,
Not even daddy's arms.
Some children have that safety
But for me I'll never know.
Always on the look out
And fearful as I grow.
As an adult I still lay
With my eyes shut, oh so tight.
Still fearful of the shadows
And noises of the night.
But my biggest fear of all,
The one that torments my brain,
Is the memory of that little girl
In daddy's arms again.

Cry for me daddy

Cry for me daddy
Howl at the moon
For my innocence lost
Taken too soon
Cry for me daddy
Rant and rave
For the hurting he caused
To my brave little soul,
Cry for me daddy
Whisper in my ear.
It isn't my fault
Make it quite clear
Cry for me daddy
Hold me tight and near
Blame, shame and guilt
I will not fear
Cry for me daddy
Acknowledge my pain
Love me, please, love me
Let me be your little girl again

I'm sorry

I’m Sorry Mommy
I wish I wouldn't
Do I have to do this every day?
This doesn't feel normal.
I'm so mad
I hate myself
I don't deserve to live
I deserve this, it's all I'm good for
What's wrong with me?
Someone, help me!
I scream inside
All I find is darkness.
That's because I'm worthless
Nobody loves me
This is the only way
I feel a cool, stinging sensation
What am I doing?
Then the blood
What's wrong with me?
Gushing over my arm in spurts
Someone, help me!
Blood pounding in my ears, growing fainter
Something's wrong
Dropping to my knees
Why am I so tired?
It's almost over now
So tired, so sleepy
Someone at the front door, sliding slowly out of focus
Mommy, why can't I see you?
All I see is black
Why are you crying, mommy?
Mommy, I'm sorry

Wanting daddy gone

Wanting Daddy Gone
You're my father
I'm your daughter
You should care about me
You should be able to see
Oh, Mother
Will you help me?
Please Father?
I know you seen
You came into my room
And he said I didn't feel well
You asked me what was wrong
But I cannot tell
I feel so confused
There's so much pain
The tears I'm crying
Pour down like rain
I twist and whine
I scream and cry
You ask what's the matter
There's so much hurt inside
And I want daddy
Out of my life
But I can't tell you Mother
All these things I feel
So instead I cry
And say I don't feel well
One day I remember
You said to me
That daddy angers you too
And you want him to leave
But that you have to stay together
For the boys and for me
I want him gone
Why can't you see
The scars on my body
Are from the pain he inflicts
He creates the pain
I draw the blood
With the tear stains on my face
I want to leave this place
Every night I want to say
What's in my heart
But I love you too much, Mother
To express all my hurt
When I look in the mirror
I have to remind me
That this is not my fault
And to go on living
But it's so tempting
With the past that I've had
Not to just turn around
And go back
So, daddy, curse some more
Say more bad and hateful words
You make me feel like I am nothing
You knew and said nothing!
You seen and did nothing!
I'm fucked up inside!
And my life's a mess
I'm starting to really hate my life
I'm so depressed
Oh, Mother, are these screams loud enough to hear?
Are these tears real enough for you
Can you feel my pain?
Do you understand
When I say I don't feel well
Do you hear what I do not say, what I really feel?
I wish I could just say it all
And tell you everything
But instead I bottle it up
And let it go by crying
Its your love and confusion
Of what's going on in me
I think it's helping
Mother, you wonder where I pick up this crap
Of cussing and drinking, all my bad habits
Hmm, maybe cause daddy doesn't work like you
And stays at home with nothing to do
But watch TV while I cook and clean
Feed him pills to keep him alive
When all I want
Is to wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze
You ask me why I can't stay home more
Can't keep up with school and home?
Cause I hate it here!
Don't you see my tears?
I wanna leave, to runaway
Can't talk to God anymore and no one in this home
Everyone's too busy to listen
Or even see what's happening to me
So this,
This is my new life
Empty and black inside
I feel like I'm running out of time
I write and I write trying to expel the pain
Hoping the paper can take it away
Cause that's the only way to escape the hurt
That doesn't involve cutting myself
And sometimes it even starts to help
But then its back home
Put up the walls
That I've grown
Go to my room and cry
Unleash my misery that's been kept inside
And fall asleep in my bed
With lost memories in my head
And will awake to a new day
With everything else swept away
Into the past
Come and gone
I'll try to move on
Just remember
I'm not all that strong