drinking away the past

One more, two more
Vowing to drink the past away
Three drinks, four
I think its here to stay
To get away, I must be brought back
To end it they say I must relive it,
To accept it and move on
Where oh where did I go?
I drink to end it
Fighting the flashback
He touched the little girl
5 drinks then 6
She cries for the child
Hold me, dont let me go
7 then 8
I close my eyes
Only to see the scene more vividly
She cries out loudly, her pain unbearable
9 and 10
Let me go, dont touch me
He shakes his head and turns over
I cry inside, but cant tell him
Yes he knows HE did it
Just not what I still see today
I drink faster
12 or 13 who knows now
The bottles almost gone
As is my reality
In the end it finds me
By the time its here, I cant fight it
Must lay back and accept
This is what Im doing to me
Shes not her
I am

closing

Im closing the window
Im closing the door
I lay in my bed
and Im feeling so sore
Im feeling so sad
Im feeling so bland
scratching my nails
in the palm of my hand
feeling such anguish
that I cannot bare
and my palms nearly bleed
yet Im so unaware
like I try to ignore
all the pain that I feel
trying to live
in a world so surreal
but this is too real
I cant be so blind
cuz theres tears on my pillow
and tears in my mind
as Im crying myself to sleep
I turn off the lamp
and Im drifting to sleep
on my pillow so damp

Left undone

Wanting, hating
Everything
Needing, showing
All within
Tempting, pulling
You to me
I want to see
What we can do
Take me close
To your side
Pull me in
Consume my soul
Let me go
I'll lose control
Fulfilling all
You need inside
Leaving nothing
Left undone

images distorted

How can one person seem so different from one minute to the next?
Theres nothing there but a change of mind
A slip of confidence
An evil little trick played by the self
Like a mirage on the road ahead
One minute its there
And the next it disappears
With a single smile and poise
the world doesnt seem so big at all
Nothings going to bring down this high
Not even a second look, later its all gone
All thats left is disgust and hate
Is this the works of someone else?
Have they changed all visions of reality?
With a single glance everything changes.
The image is distorted

let them see

Perhaps this is meditation
my one true escape
my hero who saves me
in his long, dark cape
taking me up with
my own true words
and let me fly just
as high as all birds
Dont let me fall
when I feel so secure
for I really screwed up
now, its just a blur
I blush and turn such
a true color of red
when others see what Im doing instead
am I to be so afraid of my poems?
For what would really
happen if I should show em?
Nothing- for no one
really understands me
so sure, what the hell
I’ll let them all see.

still a little girl

Who ever said that I was too old
to have my favorite Teddy Bear
set on my bed every night
I like to cuddle it
it makes me feel better
Whoever said that I was
Too old for dolls
to be lying around my room
in placement for where I put them
I like them and that
is all that seems
to so simply matter
You tell me to grow up
but I don't hear
a word that you say
I just choose to ignore them
I am still a little girl
and that is how I am going to stay

lost without you

Its killing me,
tearing in my eyes
the thought of you leaving
completely gone from my life
so much of my part
a bone in my rib
without you I dont know what to expect
maybe Ill go insane
or just truly hide in myself
never wanting to get close enough
for fear of what may come
dieing in memories
but not in my heart
I dont want to lose you
you mean so much
I cant stand these things I am hearing
each passing day getting worst
I want it to go back
to when things were fine
I go through the days
playing strong once again
never letting a frown,
run across this face of mine
its eating me up
breaking my heart
dieing in terror
of what is to come
how can this happen?
What did I do to deserve such a loss?
I cant believe this is ending
I am begging to not come true
I would be lost without you

mistreated and misused

She's so cold, they say,
just look into her eyes.
She's gone numb,
from endless streams of lies.
She can't love, they say,
unless her legs are spread.
She gets them drunk,
and then fucks with their heads.
She lives alone, they say,
unwanted, alone, and abused.
She'll die alone,
broken, mistreated,and misused.
She gives herself to anyone who'll care,
believes their lies, and loves them.
If she dares.
I feel betrayed
I feel kind of lost
I feel as if I've paid some cost
A price unworthy of your "love"
That seemed to have come from above.
What a lie,
But why should I cry?
Just because our fake love will die
I should have known you'd do me wrong
But I'm okay.
I'll stay strong.

lying solo

Embracing arms
that hold each other tight
do you think about whose arms you grasp?
When youre snuggling in the night?
Locked together
like bandages that wont release
do you let him suffocate your soul
Every time you want to breathe?
Broken down
by fights that linger on
do you ever tell yourself youve won
when youve noticed that hes gone?
Nothing now
theres only silence in your screams
do you believe there was passion in his eyes
when he unzipped your denim jeans?
Its over now
and still you carry his heartbeat
Do you listen to that distant drum
when lying solo while you sleep?

Mad at Me

Mad at Me
Dont rationalize
Dont even try
Im mad at him
But I dont know why
And the more I think
The more I see
Im not mad at him
Im mad at me
I blame him
Because its easy
Its so damn hard
Hating me
Im not with him
Twenty-four hours a day
I cant make myself go away
So be mad at him
Even if I have to lie
Dont think about it
Dont even try

for you i will

As I stare at you
Asleep in your crib
I realize
If it wasnt for you
Id be out of here
Out of town
Out of life
Its far too much
Of a hassle
But for you
Because of you
I will suffer it all
Die a thousand deaths
Eat lifes shit
And paint on a smile
And suffer it all
Suffer it all
I will wait
Until youve grown
To be free
Free to leave
Free to die

used to you

Im still here because
Ive got nothing else to do
Youre an asshole
But Im getting used to you
I like the fact that
You talk incessantly
I got a thing for assholes
Who tell good stories
I think that complaining
Is the only thing you do right
Youre gonna self-destruct
I think thats what I like
You like me so you try
And make me feel like shit
I think it's kind of funny yeah
I kind of enjoy it
You try to tell me something
About the way you live
Like you would give me so much
If you had something to give
For all your talk
You dont say much thats real
I think I know more than you
About the way that you feel
Im still here
Cause I got nothing else to do
Youre an asshole but
Im getting used to you

just shut up

I wish you would shut up
I really do, just shut up
weve heard it all before
no you are not important to me
no I dont care what you have to say
and I dont care if you think
that I am ignorant
at least I know when I should
shut the fuck up
did you ever stop to think
that maybe I dont give a shit?
No of course you didnt
you ignorant son of a bitch
so full of yourself, so sure
saying what they tell you to
thinking what they want you to
I could ask a million other people
and get the same bullshit lies
your all the same, your so fake
you are not real to me
so just shut the fuck up

its just you

Smothering, struggling, gasping for breath.
The hands over my mouth,
"shut up, stop the damn crying.
Remember last time?"
The pain between.
My legs.
Shutting it out, willing the pain away.
Stroking my hair, soothing words.
Im feeling, terrified,
I awake with a jolt.
Its just my boyfriend.
Cuddling closer, I lie real still;
eyes wide open, willing sleep away.

does it matter

Feeling empty inside of me
I sit here and wait
For what Im unsure
Its just what I do
Contemplating everything
Second-guessing every move
Was I wrong?
Was I right?
In the end,does it matter?
By your side I long to be
Close to you is what I crave
Not knowing now
If you want the same
Questions unasked
Remain unanswered
Will they be asked?
Will they be answered?
In the end,does it matter?
The fact remains
Just as it is
Im scared to death
to know the truth
and see it through
what we could have
Will I screw up?
Will you leave?
In the end,
does it matter?

darkness waits

Darkness waits
Secrets linger
Never knowing
What lies ahead
Continuous search
For my sanity
Lost somewhere
Not close to here
Was it ever even mine
I look
To find nothing
Only more
Of the same
Unknown things
I've seen before

my need

i need this release.
i need to be set free.
with the cut of a knife.
i could be alive again
a simple slash.
nothing deep.
just a simple need
one need i can not share.
no one can know
and the need is growing stronger all the longer
for the first time in years.
i felt alive.myself once again.
with the gentle touch of a blade
a need i must fulfill before it grows too strong

what i dont say

I cant believe you havent realized yet
I thought you would have knew
By the way I talk and act
The way I act around you
I havent made it too hard to pick
but still you dont have a clue
but although I make it obvious
it would be terrible if you knew
When we fight I cry afterwards
I always want to be your friend
but then I realize everything
eventually comes to an end
I try and try to release these feelings
but they just wont go away
I only have one thing to tell you
Listen to what I dont say

little Randi

Little Randi cries out her eyes,
She just can't deal with any more lies.
Her ex came running with excuses galore
She didn't know if she could take anymore.
He dragged it on and tore her heart
Every time that they were apart.
Is it love, is it lust?
Blow away the early dust.
Take a look, so deep within
How long until Randi gives in?

stay the fuck out

Fuck those who've hurt me,
Skip those who've tried
I can't stand them.
Let them die.
I've experienced so much pain,
for my young age,
I can't stand my mind.
It's full of nefarious memories.
They're letting that ass walk free,
Even after what he's done to me,
and I can't take the hurt.
That he's left within my soul.
He deserves to die,
but his fate is not mine to decide,
He'll get what's coming to him.
I bet it won't be pleasant.
Maim the bastard who stole my happiness,
and crushed it in his clenched fist,
Make him experience foul displeasure.
For I will seek vengeance otherwise.
Punish those who put others in misery,
then award those who make everyone happy,
Have everyone share their pain.
For maybe then;
people will understand
what they're doing to one another.
So much hatred swims through me,
and it depresses me so deeply,
But there's only one who understands
(or seems to)
only one who cares, like no other.
No matter what was done,
No matter what was said,
He kept hurting me.
And so had everyone (almost) else.
Why am I the target of bitterness,
why must it be me?
Can it not be someone else?
Im fine on my own
Ive got enough friends
Enough damn enemies
You only add to the problems
Not helping at all
Are you so stupid?
That you really cant see
You blame everyone else
When its really you
Ive made my mistakes
Those were my fault
But this obsession of yours
Is all yours to control
Theres something so wrong
With the way that you feel
Manipulating to get what you want
To get those to back you
The whole story isnt told
My side is forgotten
My feelings are dismissed
Nobody knows the way that I feel
They only hear the wrong Ive done
Theres worse that I could do
Ill never be perfect
Ill sure as hell never be you
You’re act is so clear
The real you is obvious
The front you put on
As only concerned
We all see through you
And whats really going on
Open your eyes
Quit preaching to me
Open The Book
And read for yourself
Stop reading for me
I can do that myself
Ive got my own relationship
Its not like yours
Its my very own
Not what you want
That doesnt make it wrong
Just opposite of yours
Ill never condemn
Or judge those I love
I cant do that
Knowing I might fail
Where do you get off
Making decisions
Who is a Christian
And who is worthy
None of us deserve
Anything were given
We havent earned God’s love
Theres no way we can
Hes given it freely
For all to grasp
What right do you have
To take that away
Im tired of your judgment
Im sick of your putdowns
Talking to those who know nothing
Listening to mindless chatter
The gossip you hear
Not from the source
Maybe its true
Or could be more lies
Youll never know though
It has nothing to do with you
Ill say it again
Stay the fuck out of my business

on my own

Fighting for life
My right to be me
Changing myself
To fit what I want
Separate from you
I'm now on my own
Mistakes I will make
Are all mine now
No longer a reflection
Of who you are
You've surrendered
Your chance
To mold me to you
You're not my mentor
Or even looked up to
Your pettiness shows
In every action you've taken

dont hurt me

Please don't hurt me
like all the others
have done in the past
I don't want much,
I want a real relationship
to be able to talk to you
about anything and everything
and not be yelled at
to talk to all my friends
whether guy or a girl
without you having any suspicions
because if I'm with you
know that you're the only one
to spend time with you
and not have to have sex
I just want to lay there
and talk for hours about nothing at all
to be with you
and not get hit and then me leave you
with bruises on my body
I've been through so many bad relationships
that I now I expect every guy to be the same
I know deep down you're not
but I can't help those little insecurities
I've been through so much just,
please don't hurt me

just do it

Use me Abuse me
But don't say you love me
Then I give you my heart
Then say you don't
And rip it apart
Use me Abuse me
But don't say you wont hurt me
And then cuddle me tight
Then say that its over
Over with one little fight
Use me Abuse me
Don't start to dominate
Then say you don't like it
Then start all over again
I guess I should just quit
Use me Abuse me
Bring me presents and such
Say the words I wanna hear
Don't bring me down tonight
I just don't think I could bare
Use me Abuse me
Tonight is our night
Our night of passion
Our night not to fight
There's no need to ration
Use me Abuse me
Just do it now

not cry

Whoever said that a girl
can't cry after the age of 13
Like we are supposed to suck it up
and let them treat us
like some lower life forms
with a smile on our faces
as they eye up our breast
and check out our legs
I kind of feel like I am on a used car lot
and I am the deal of the week
Console me in a way
that I may not understand
as I pour my heart out
to a poetry book
but the answers don't lie
in the places that I wish
that I could find them
Tell me again how I am such a big girl
and mentally I should feel
different than I have before
as I watch my life pass me bye
I tell myself no matter what
I am not going to cry

my bloody suicide

The blank page stars at me
With its thin blue lines
I look to my heart and soul
To find the words to say
But nothing can describe how I feel today
Questions haunt my mind
Where is this happiness, I cant find?
Why is there so much pain in my life?
And why do I want to end it all with this knife
The page is half filled
But I still cant seem to feel
Theres a band around my wrist
To stop me ending it all
To stop me finding my bliss
Answers are running though my mind
I dont deserve happiness, theres no way of finding it
Theres pain in everyones life, Im just weak
And Im pathetic and can't cope.
I make my hand into a fist
and make a cut across my wrist
Deeper and deeper
Until I can feel nothing more
My bloody suicide.

pain, the truest friend

Drown me
in this bottle,
and I will cry no more
for tears are only things that blood
cannot purge
that these cuts
do not vanquish.
My mind is still screaming in my sleep
I wanted to be better.
Now I know I'm only weak.
So drown me
in this bottle,
and I will cry no more
Blood cannot purge me
Love cannot save me
I will be forever alone, here
with my bottle
my bandages
pain is the truest friend

promise not to tell

If I whisper this secret in your ear
do you promise you wont tell?
Its you I want, not him
Standing here with you
On this damp cold night
Underneath those starts
Shining so bright
Temptation is staring me straight in the eyes
Pulling me closer
As I lie my tired head
On your shoulder
Its been such a long day
And I dont think
I have the strength
To keep this inside much longer
You put your arms around me
And suddenly its not so cold
I know he sees us
But I dont care
I dont want him, not anymore
I sick of playing this game
I already know Ill never win
Ive given up on him
Youre the one I want
And have for awhile
Ive been concealing the truth from everyone, even myself
But being here with you
Feels so right tonight
If I whisper this secret
In your ear
Do you promise not to tell?

so scared

I'm so scared
Maybe I'm paranoid
I'm so scared
Maybe there's something wrong with me
I'm so afraid
Maybe I don't see the light I'm so afraid
Maybe I'm just thinking too much
I'm so fearful
Maybe I don't have a right to be
I'm so fearful
Maybe I'm wrong to be like this
I'm so scared
I'm so scared
Maybe I shouldn't be
No skeletons in my closet
I wish I could be yours
But in the end
You're the one reminding
And I'm the one remembering
But I don't want it to be that way
I want to forget
And I want you to stop coming by
So I'm still afraid of
Becoming a skeleton
But I feel as if I am one
Numb to the world
I feel nothing but hurt
Sometimes I fall off this wall
Not a scratch in mind
I do not feel it
And they laugh and point
Silly child's game
As I feel the world spinning
I am lost in the end
Alone once again
No skeletons in my closet
I wish I could be yours
But in the end
You're the one reminding
And I'm the one remembering
I don't want it to be this way
So maybe I'll have to change this once

never ending

Tears of loneliness
Tears of emptiness
Stream down my face
Wiped away
Just to fall again
Never ending
There’s no release
From this feeling
I hold inside
Fighting still
For what I want
What I need
And can’t obtain

why i write

You ask why I write these things
I write ‘Cause I don't wanna scream.
These words are my frustrations,
My fear, and isolation,
It’s my anger and my pain,
My sorrow, and shame made known
My familiar words
The words are my constant struggle,
The overwhelming need to be heard,
The petrifying fears that no on is there to hear, or care.
I write because I can’t say the words.
I write because I have to.
I write because if I don’t, I die.
So I write.

kid inside of me

Sometimes I feel so childish sitting here
Thinking about my juvenile problems
Being the kid that I am
Growing up so fast
Wishing I would hurry up
But at the same time
Wishing I could slow down
I wish I could be the kid that
Plays in the sand box
Runs around half-naked
Is always cute looking
Screams and cries
I wish I could be the kid that
I know is inside of me

let me

Let me scream
Let me run away
Why won’t you just end this for me?
I don’t need to be here anymore
who’s left for me to stay for?
Who’d really care to see me go?
I’m beginning to think I enjoy the pain
Kick me again
Make it hurt
Don’t try to make me happy
Let the tears freely fall
Cut me like a rag doll
Rip every inch of me apart
What ever shred of I have
Take it
I don’t want it
Throw my heart against the wall
I don’t need it anymore
Take these eyes from my face
There’s nothing left to see
Block all signs of love
Keep all friendship’s away
I don’t know how to look after them anyways
Why be given something that you don’t deserve?
Away with the light
Only goodness exists there
I’m too used to the dark cloud of evil on my back
It is the only thing I know now
Everything I am is a lie
Just someone I wanted to be
Oh well
Who cares?
It all comes down to this in the end
I don’t deserve to live
Where do I even start?
I’m at a lose for words
I pick up my pen cause I need to write
Somehow I have to let this all out
It’s building up inside of me
I’m ready to crumble
My tears won’t stop
Neither will my pain
Why won’t any words come to me??
Why can’t I let it out??
I hate this
Everything
Who I am
What I do
Why do I even try to write?
It’s all fucked up anyways
Just another piece of trash
Only deserving to be thrown out

hello

It’s been months
Since I’ve thought of you last
For a while I had thought that for sure you had gone
Then there was that one time you decided to call
You said it was too much
That you couldn’t do it
And hung up
That brought everything flooding back in
But again I managed to push you out
Your memory, drifted by me like the early morning fog
I was starting to think life without you was possible
It still is I guessI am still keeping’ on
Still laughing and smiling
But then late last night as I started writing
That sweet letter that I will never send
I couldn’t help but wish for the good old days again
I was willing that stupid phone to ring
To pick up and hear you say
“Baby, let’s forget the whole past”
“Lets start over again”
That phone didn’t ring
And the past is still lingering over my head
Oh, how I hate this
When memories of our love drift back in
With tears streaming down my face as I continue to write
I told you once that I would track you down
where ever you ended up being in a couple years
Back then when I told you that I meant that
maybe we could try again
But there’s no chance of that now
It’s all been said and done
I will still find you someday
Maybe this time just to say “Hello”

its not him

I need to explain I know I do.
He needs to know it's not him, its not.
I know his wants, his needs.
Yet I sit here and write.
What I can't tell him, I tell his computer.
Then lock it up tight.
He can never know what's in my head.
He'd never understand, that I'm all alone.
I just close my eyes and pretend all is right.
I know better, so does he.
Yet it remains unspoken, nonexistent.
He plays my game with me, we both pretend.
We pretend I'm not in pain.
That I'm not lost somewhere in my mind sometimes.
That I'm not so full of fear, of him, of me, of the silence.

kisses

Sprawled out on the floor of your attic
just you and I, no limits, but the time
Theres no way to put into words this feeling
no possible way this could ever rhyme.
A kiss on my cheek, so innocent and sweet.
I say, "show me what a real kiss is," baby
so you kiss me repeatedly, soft, slow, on my lips
inquire, "now are these real? Just maybe?"
"Almost," I respond, barely at a whisper:
wondering, how could this be any better?
You smile, and snuggle up closer to my side
I know, there is nothing else that matters.

no one seems to care

The love that you once gave to me
is all sent away now
I am a screaming little girl again
but you don't care
you know how I feel
but are afraid to admit
that you used to be me
and now you can't handle it
I think you need help
and more than you will
ever seem to know
I think that you are different
and I don't like that
I don't like it one bit
I know how you feel right now
trust me I have been there
so long ago I was heldup captive in your lies
but now I am a screaming little girl
and no one seems to care

keep loving you

I’m frightened that I’ve lost inspiration
scared ill lose too many things at once
I started writing because.
I was in love with you
I despised you
I was befriended by you
I was angered due to you
you are my emotions
you are my writing
you are my poetry
can I lose you without
losing my passion?
Can I feel without
you by my side?
I pray I can
I hope I have the will
if only I didn’t have to
keep loving you still

naked

No one really knows
my emotions when
I take off my clothes
becoming consumed
in my bare naked state
I undress because of
accumulated evil hate
by taking off my shoes
my pants, socks, and shirt
I take off my emotions
no longer feeling as hurt
there’s something about being naked
something so natural and pure
a feeling of love fills me
resulting in a soothing cure
so when you find me naked
with tears streaming my face
just leave me to be and
ill feel better when given my space

the pen writes

I don’t know what to do anymore
I’m lost at where I am supposed to be
Every time I think I’ve got something good
It turns out to be just an illusion
I don’t understand
I don’t see what I am doing so wrong
How can I feel so good then hurt so bad?
I just want to scream
This is all so frustrating
I wish I could make sense of it all
But I doubt that could ever be done
It’s all fucking bullshit
Not supposed to make sense at all
Just there to make me more confused
To make me cry more tears
I don’t know if what I am writing
even makes sense
I’m hardly looking down at the page
Just letting the pen write
what the tears are trying to say

time stood still

If time stood still
would it change a thing?
Take back the times
I followed my heart
Went with my feelings
ignoring my brain
Just for a moment
to be held in your arms
Lay by your side
And feel you inside

not you

Not You
It's not you I hate
It's you whom receives the wrath
But the hatred is for him
I wish it wasn't so
I wish I could just go
You look, you see
You question
It's seems you seem to care
If I could tell you, I would
Just close your eyes
Remain oblivious
You don't want to see
You don't to feel
What it is I see and feel

patience endured

I’m closing the window
I’m closing the door
I lay in my bed
and I’m feeling so sore
I’m feeling so sad
I’m feeling so bland
scratching my nails
in the palm of my hand
feeling such anguish
that I cannot bare
and my palms nearly bleed
yet I’m so unaware
like I try to ignore
all the pain that I feel
trying to live
in a world so surreal
but this is too real
I can't be so blind
cuz there's tears on my pillow
and tears in my mind
as I’m crying myself to sleep
I turn off the lamp
and I’m drifting to sleep
on my pillow so damp
She told me to wait
I'd find out in time
What secrets she held
And stories sublime
I'd waited to hear
What thoughts filled her head
What truth she had told
What lies she had said
A curious mind
Describes me so well
You'd have to expect
I'd want her to tell
I'd pry through her thoughts
Knowing that I can't find
Anything there
In her jumbled up mind
But now I am glad
I waited so long
My patience endured

ANOTHER DAY

WHY SHE FEELS LIKE NOTHING
IT STARTED WITH A LITTLE TOUCH
LONG BEFORE SHE TURNED FIVE
SHE WAS JUST THE LITTLE GIRL
WHO WAS AFRAID TO CRY
NOT KNOWING WHO TO TRUST
NOT KNOWING WHO TO TELL
SHE THOUGHT SHE LOST HER EVERYTHING
SHE KNOWS SHE WENT TO HELL
NOTHING EVER MATTERED
NOONE EVER CARED
ABOUT THIS LITTLE GIRL
WHO WAS AFRAID TO DREAM
AND NO ONE EVER HEARD HER
ALL SHE DID WAS SCREAM
THE NIGHTS GOT DIM AND DARKER
SHE THOUGHT SHE WOULDNT LIVE
WITH ANOTHER NIGHT OF TORTURE
ANOTHER DAY BEGINS.

mighty pen

I and my mighty pen
Will venture to every sheet that we can
Be scared of no line
Or hole the side
Not to be scared when we scribble
Or when we must trash something
I and this treasure
Of wisdom that drains ink
Will do as we will
And suffer with each new day
But at least we will be together through it
So here is my loser poem
I wrote it from my heart
Do not be critical,
Just be who you truly are

right to write

Maybe I won’t ever see things
The way you doI wont’ ever agree
Or think like you
And what is so wrong with that
Everyone’s talking behind everyone’s back
Would you rather have it so
We all thought alike
We all agreed on everything
And we never had a debate or a fight
How boring is that!
Sorry I won’t conform for you
I do things my way
And I won’t stop just because you want me to
You feed so much off of
What I think and say
That you just make me want to keep on writing
I guess we have both gotten our way
Do you really think you can shut me up
Just because you don’t like what you hear
If you had things your way no one in the world
Would be allowed to express what they think and feel
I don’t know why you care so damn much about
The words I am absently scribbling now
No I won’t censor myself
No I won’t shut my mouth
Get over itI have the right to write
I won’t give up my freedom of speech
Without a fucking fight
The more you try to silence me
The more I want to say
I won’t do something because you want me to
I won’t ever think your way
So GET OVER IT
Stop caring so damn much
If I am so worthless, ignore me!
Then maybe I’ll shut the fuck up
But the more you try to chain my brain
The more you try to steal my freedom of speech
The more I am going to write say and feel
Think, scream, scribble, teach
And you put more energy into my words
Then even I do
Why the hell do you care so much about
What I think of you
I’m not listening in to all the conversations
You are whispering behind my back
Keep talking and you’ll see
I don’t give two shits about that
Because I am not that insecure
You can talk all you want to
Have fun calling me every name you know
And I STILL won’t give a shit about you
You are free to talk
You are free to fight
But you will NEVER take away
My right to write

paper doll

Don’t ask me for advice
I'm not out for blood anymore
I'm just waiting for someone to remind me
how it felt being real
I'm a paper doll girl
in eye shadow and lace
my god, this world
is a paper doll's place
don't turn to me for healing words
for the wonders love may bring
I'm only a paper doll girl
with nothing left in me

tears

Tears say more then words can ever achieve
my tears are not happy, they only grieve
each tear that falls, my pillow it burns
along with that tear, my soul does yearn
for tears of sanity, and not for sorrow
for tears that just cant wait for tomorrow
instead each tear that leaves my eye
cant wait to get home for me to cry
my tears are feelings kept deep inside
till the moment they all collide
for when it comes my hour of pain
my soul will leave and I will never regain.
I’m scared to breathe, to live, to die
I’m scared to live, to want, to cry
my heart was killed and left to rot
if I cry I might not stop
if I die before I wake
is my soul yours to take?
Sometimes I can’t wait to get home
and spend my time in my room alone
if I love, can I still leave
if I don’t, will my heart still bleed.

Alternative to dying

Crying doesn't do you any good!"
My brother screamed aloud
my daddy told me to quit my crying
or he'd give me something to cry about.
The kids were mean at school today
the teacher's weren't much kinder
and no one likes a dirty poor kid
Sitting on the bus beside her.
I didn't have a dime for lunch
And Courtney got a boyfriend
my cheap shoes slipped underneath me
when I tried to do a back-bend.
Now no one knows where she is
and no one's trying to find her
Mom forgot to play the 'letcric bill
But no one dares to remind her.
I don't see why I am not allowed to cry in my pillow
and not make a sound.
So they cannot see to scream at my small bruised face for crying
but they don't know that it's my only
Alternative to dying.

losing it

I am
or I’m not
losing it.
Maybe I’m just tired
but I think
my mind has given up.
And Ido not dream
only nightmares
of leaving
and crying
of madness
I never wanted to be
like my mother
I never wanted to scream
like my father
I just wanted to live
I just don't want to live
anymore
I’m going crazy

the wall

THE WALL
The wall is all I see,
all I want to see.
I close my eyes and try to breath.
I can't,
I am suffocating, I am frozen.
Why?
What is going on?
I can't move.
I am stuck.
I am held under him.
Touching.
He won't stop touching.
Stop. Please. STOP!
I don't want to.
Why won't he get off.
What's wrong with him.
The wall.
Look at it.
Forget here and now.
The wall is strong.
It can't hurt you.
Leave here.
Can't,
He is touching me.
Feeling me.
Kissing me.
His breath on my neck.
He won't stop.
Please?
Forget it.
Don't feel.
Don't think.
Don't move.
If you move, he might do more.
If you move, he might think you are someone else.
No he won't.
He knows who I am.
I am his sister.
I didn't want to sleep here anyway.
Why'd he wake me.
What did I do.
Can she hear?
I wish she would.
Then maybe he would stop.
Probably not.
The wall.
Remember the wall.
Don't cry.
Don't let him know you are awake.
It will all stop eventually.
Really, just don't cry.
10 Minutes, 20, 30.
Please stop soon.
Dont' touch me there.
Don't ever touch me there.
You can't.
You are my brother.
That's not allowed.
Stop Touching me.
Don't Kiss me, no not my neck.
Don't feel me.
Don't hold me down.
Stop! Now!
40 minutes.
It's never going to be over.
Never.
Don't move a muscle.
He can't know you are awake.
The wall.
focus on the wall.
Drift away from here.
Now look, now that you aren't there.
Look at what he is doing to you.
Pushing you down.
Holding you down.
Touching you,
Your shirt is up.
Underwear down.
Touching, feeling, holding, grabbing, kissing.
Look at what he's doing to me?
I don't think so.
What about what I am doing.
I am sleeping there.
In his bed.
Like that,
It's not him, It's me.
Just a shirt and underwear?
No pants?
It's my fault he is like this.
Not his. I egged him on.
I was dressed skimpily.
I was in his bed.
So what if he wants to play.
I am 9.
I am too old to sleep in his bed.
I should have slept on the floor.
I deserved this.
I wanted it.
If I didnt', then why aren't I stopping him?
Look, I am not moving. I am not doing anything.
I am just there.
I am here. feeling him.
Make it stop.
45 minutes. done?
He's stopped and gone.
The Wall.
look at it.

lonely little girl

Hair blowing in the wind
Lonely little girl turns her gaze
Looks out the glass
Fixes her eyes on the brewing storm
Breathes in the cool crisp air
Her mind a spinning spiral
Clouded by fog
Anarchy and chaos fills her mind
A tumult of emotions inside of her
As tears rise unbidden to her eyes
Lonely little girl feels trapped
Screams inside of her unable to break free
The wind starts to blow stronger
She watches the leaves fall to the ground
Drawing a circle as it swirls around
She picks up a pen
Stares blankly ahead
Solitary figure amongst the crowd
Alone in thought
Alone in mind
The cold wind blows
The dark clouds gather
A flash of lightning
A clap of thunder
Not unlike the heavens that open
Lonely little girl starts to cry

i wont break

Beat me up with your words
It’s no different from what I have to bear at home
Go on play with my feelings
Bruise me with your fists, I dare you
Because we both know my boyfriend hits me
And yours is a saint of gods
You could abuse me verbally
You could destroy me emotionally
And you could certainly hurt me physically
But I promise you, I won’t break
Cause there’s nothing you could give me,
That I can’t take and give back more

little girl

Little girl I must tell you,
all the pain you have put us through
Little girl I must show you,
all the bad things you do
Little girl I must punish you,
with all the hurt you've been doing
Little girl I must yell at you,
because of all the dreams you've been undoing
Little girl you're so little
So tiny and small
Little girl why do you do this?
I can hear you crying down the hall
Little girl, I am so sorry
I'm the one that did wrong
Little girl I'm the one that made you
I'm the one where you belong
Little girl I made a mistake
and made you, when I'm not ready
Little girl I'm sorry, I need a break
Sometime to get steady
Little girl, I'm sorry your daddy doesn't want you
he does really care
Little girl you're going away for awhile
I'm sorry I can't be there
Little girl I'm going to smile
when I really want to cry
Little girl I love you
I really did try
Little girl I'm sorry for the pain I do
I wish you could stay here with me
Little girl, your so little
so tiny and small
I hope one day I see you again
hopefully all big and tall
Little girl I'm sorry I must say good-bye
Little girl be happy
and please don't cry
Little girl I love you
I really do
Little girl you have to go now
I'll really miss you
Good-bye my
Little girl
I love you.

mute

Mute
As I sit here
Trying to prove my point
Yet nothing makes sense
As if I am mute
Scream as I may
No one shall hear
Nor will they care
Voices echo
Yet none I possess
They're voices of others
Overruling my pain

just cant fight it

Scared to death
Of what I feel
Wants and needs
Kept to myself
Dreams of nights
Close by your side
Flesh of our bodies
Merged into one
A perfect fit
Inside of me
My body succumbs
To your strength
Overtaking
All I am
Defenses down
I just can't fight

a living hell

I've been purple and blue,
By so many of you.
Now this is what I do,
The inside is permanently a scar.
Why did any of it have to go so far.
I no longer can be at peace
My tears no longer can release
I've become numb from my past pain
That even blood falls like rain
I hate all of you who hurt me
Why couldnt you just let me be
From the time I was only a child
You started this hole,
The one I had to surround with walls so tall
So that I'd never snich, I'd never cry, I'd never tell
My mind become a living hell!

I wasnt the one

I want to crawl inside myself
To escape what you think you know
The truths you’ll never see
The honesty you’ll never hear
Your eyes are blinded by something else
A covering you want to believe
Can you ever get past yourself?
To see the real true
You think you know so much
When really you know nothing
The false sense of security
Is all you really have
When will you open your eyes?
When will you not be deaf?
You think you’ve been around
Have experiences untold
Nothing you could say or do
Will ever justify your acts
You talk about trust and love
Do you even know the meaning?
Have you searched the significance?
Love is more than fast ones and con jobs
Trust is more than betrayal and lies,
You think you’ve been betrayed
Tell me, how do you figure?
I wasn’t the one,
Who asked about my clit
I wasn’t the one,
Who asked how many fingers
I wasn’t the one,
Who wanted to go further

you call

As crazy as it sounds
I wish so badly you would call
but when you do
because we both know eventually you will
I don’t know what to say
do I swallow my pride again?
Like all those times before?
Or do I confess my hate?
How can it be that I love you
When I can speak a thousand reasons
Why I should hate you
And every time I somehow find a way
To forgive you, again
Push away the pain and deny the past
Its different this time
At least that’s what I convince myself
I’m so sick of this
Of caring about you
And wanting you to be near.
I find an awkward comfort being with you
I’m just so use to the tension,
the denial, and the hurt.
When you call
I’ll attempt to control my instinct
To instantly pick up the phone
I’ll see your number staring about at me
And breathe in deep
I don’t need to hear your familiar voice, right?

i dont know you

When you come to me and ask for advice
When you call me on the phone
My heart is crying from deep in my soul
The words you are saying
The ones ringing in my ear are upsetting
And I feel I have failed you completely
Seriously I think I did
I don't know you
How can I?
You’re just not the one I have comfort in
You are not that one
Yet I hear the same tone
Your name is still printed correctly
But yet your personality is gone
Or at least the one I loved
It cannot be a choice of anger
To write what I fee
lI don't know you
And now I wonder if I ever have
Your speaking with feelings unheard of
Questioning things never asked
I don't know you
Is the simple fact

i act

I act like a child
Who is wild and crazy
And who does not care
What you think about her
Because she is happy
With what she is
And what she has become
And the laughs
Don’t bother her
Because she is happy
With what she is
They look her in the eyes
and they call her
immature and wrong
she just looks at them
into their eyes
and she thanks them
for what they are doing
because it makes her
stronger you see

house full of rage

This house is so full of rage
it makes me wish I could turn the page
just once
not twice or anymore
someday I wish
I could leave
just get out and
leave this place
this house is full of rage

beautiful sight

I can’t sleep, I’m not tired again tonight
so I lay in the dark putting up a fight
sometimes I see things that aren’t there
my eyes turn white, and I get scared
it’s over now. I made it out somehow
it’s so easy for you to make me break
and every opportunity I give, you take
you say you love me
but you know you cause me misery like no other
don’t say you love me
deny your lover, deny me, you know you love her
you’re everything I covet
you know it.
And you love it
I wish I were more open and outspoken
I wish I could take off my disguise
I wish I would tell you my life isn’t broken
but I’m too tired right now to lie
more pills to drift me off to sleep tonight.
Goodnight.
I hope I wake up to a beautiful sight

holow inside

Hollow inside,
your eyes never cry
lonely and dieing
won't let anyone close enough to heal the pain,
and tragedy you endure
faking strong doesn't get you anywhere
rotten with intentions,
yet blooming for affection
what is wrong with you mind?
Do you think you deserve that much from anyone?
After the bullshit and lies you spread,
after they cry and need help getting back up,
from being pushed away so roughly,
by the hands you claimthe mirror is there,
but you’re blind to your own image
blind to it all
never seeing the bad in your eyes
yet looking away at the glare of the light
too much to accept
so live the life of a lie
becoming colder and colder each day
not giving but wanting,
never saying sorry to all that you hurted
just going on as if everything’s okay
its simpler for the blind
the blind in heart and mind

Dont know how

There’s something that I can not hide
There’s something leaking from my eyes
Something’s following me from behind.
There’s something that I have to give
Before there’s no more reason to live
I have to let it freeI need to, have to let it go
There’s something that you have to know
This secrets eating me alive
I just want to sit and cryI’m crying, I’m falling
I’m fading away
It's taking over my eternity I need to, have to let it out
I want to tell you but I don’t know how.

secrets

Secrets
Words spoken softly,
the secrets they unveil,
Can you even hear me?
Promise you will not tell,
The secret that I tell,
I hope you will not fail,
I really need to tell you this,
Promise you will not tell,
I have a secret story,
My own special tale,
Just listen to me please,
And promise not to tell!

how to let you go

Let You Go
I can't go on like this
It's time for me to let go
The promises
I made you
The lies that I spit
For everything we had
I don't know if I can let go
I don't want to do it
But I know I must do it
It's getting too late
I still love you
And I don't know how to let you go
The childish sayings
The little things done
There's nothing I can do I know
I have to do it
There's no reason to it anymore
You'll have to forgive me
I have to forgive me
It's getting too late
I still love you
And I don't know how to let you go

hes not here

The words he said,
And the actions he did,
Hurt me more than anyone could before,
Now I’m sitting here,
Soft hearted and week,
But you know what?
At least he's not here too.

have you ever

Have you ever been sitting in a crowd and realized that you were alone?
Have you ever held out your hand in friendship and gotten slapped away?
Have you ever been told that someone enjoyed your company and then avoided you?
Have you ever felt like something was wrong with you and you had no idea why?
Have you ever tried your very best to impress someone and fell flat on your face?
Have you ever gone away and no one wondered where you were?
Have you ever truly loved and not had it returned?
Hace you ever written something important to you and no one read it?

you dont know me

You don't know me.
You think you do,
but you have never seen the real me.
I am not a person you would want to take home.
If you knew what was really in my heart
you would run and never look back.
There is a demon lurking behind these eyes.
A heart of stone lives within.
I can walk away and never look back.
I can leave everything here
and start a new life
that you would not recognize.
Remorse is not a part of my make up.
Lethal I could be.
I watch you move like a lamb in the meadow
waiting to be attacked.
It makes me drool with lust.
Cross me and I can rip out your soul with one look.
So you think you know.
Think again!
I chose to shout the door long ago.
Do not open it.
Do not pull in the rusted handle.
Do not unlock the bolt.
The heavy wooden door is the passage
way back to feelings from another life.
It is a hall that I do not want to travel down again.
The demons that rest there are shackled to the floor.
That is where they need to stay.
To face them again would be the end of my world.
They would take over my mind
and leave me chained inside.
All my treasures would be stolen in the night.
So, please go away and leave it closed.
Please go away and leave my heart alone.

hidden pain

Hidden Pain
When you look at me what do you see?
Do you see someone who is young?
Someone who is happy?
Carefree?
If that is what you see, look again
Because that is not the real me
Look past the smile and into my eyes
It is true what they say, eyes do not lie
For they are the windows to my spirit and soul
It is there you will find the secrets untold
The pain of my past
The uncertainty of my future
This is the real me
The "me" I don't let others see
Because to show this would make me weak
All my life I've tried to be strong
For 19 years I've tried to hold on
But now my soul is getting tired
And my spirit is dying
It is getting harder and harder to keep trying
Giving up seems so easy
Just letting life go, all the bad memories
But deep down inside
I know there must be a better way for me
I know I will have to keep fighting if I ever want to be free
So fight I will for that invisible goal
I know it will be hard
I need not be told
Just pray for me that in this battle I will stand tall
And please stand by me, help me not to fall
If I should lose this fight
Then it just was not meant to be
Please don't be sad, don't cry for me
For whether I am here or not, I won't be in such misery.

consumes you

You consume it, but wait
it consumes you just the same
it’s this cycle I truly hate
shower down my face like crying rain
is it worth everything to lose?
I just cant decide what to do
because of the things you choose
I cry for you all and I hate you
I hate because of my aching heart
to see you die slowly in my eyes
such fun will rip you completely apart
preventing this, no one more than I try
it hurts but its no use of me
you'll never learn or see my way
I want the person you used to be
before another drug, takes you away

hate in a shot glass

Drunken minds are clumsy
and stumble thru my pain,
then dance with every tear,
like tango in the rain.
Open eyes of solitude,
Stare into my soul,
and drown inside my hope,
infecting self-control.
Reaching arms grow closer;
Fingernails graze my heart,
Miniature incisions,
Tear my world apart.
My heart is pounding faster,
Tears fall from my eyes,
Preparing for insanity's mental homicide.
Lips savor my torment,
Revolting flavors in disguise,
And when corruption kills me,
Please don’t be surprised.
Desperations pull me under
Hungry for my life,
Tasting candy coated sin,
And fiending in the night.
Hate seeping through my pores,
and spill onto my fate,
all attempts to save my soul,
Will be an eternity too late.
I’m chin deep in sorrow,
And love is sinking fast,
Attempting to rid the pain
With hate in a shot glass.

fuck this

Fuck this world
fuck this place
fuck my friends
fuck this race
fuck this shit that we call love
fuck the weed and fuck the drugs
fuck the sex that is so great
fuck your moms and fuck your dads
fuck the gangs
fuck the guns
fuck the people you call friends
Cuz in the end it's fucked so.
Fuck this world
fuck this place
fuck this shit, life’s a game

Dreams of night

Dreams of night
To take you there
Passion folds
Inside of me
Nothing more than
Just the need
Takes my mind
To fantasy

endless nothing

Thoughts inside
Of days gone by
Deceptions made
Of those you trust
Not knowing now
Of which is right
Reminiscing still
Of times you lived
Behold the wrong
Of those you love
Listen closely
Of their lies
Hear them speak
Of endless nothing

destroyed me

You have destroyed me,
what was left of me anyway.
I couldnt take it anymore the games you play.
But I still wake up.
Empty space in my heart
why did you have to play?
Why did you have to say,
those words?
And I cant get you out of my head
you ask, do I understand?
No I dont, but it hurts,
as shards of my own hate pierce my flesh.
Once again
once again just like every other guy
you tore out my heart.
Left me alone to pick up what remained.
But this time I havent the strength
to pick myself up.
And I dont, I dont give a fuck about you,
about the world, about anything.
I dont know whats true
all I know is
that I was completely in love with you.
But oh what a way to be broken,
in the gentle hands of love.
Soft, gentle-breakable
Un-like the glass heart that they once held.

dont want to go home

I dont want to go home right now
Not now
not when everything feels right
not when I feel complete
not when I am in heaven
Heaven on this hellish earth
I dont get this often
any day in my life
Dont make me go home now
I dont want to move anywhere
Anywhere but here
Am I wrong?
To still be happy
still feel so over the world
when I have no right to feel so
when the only thing I ever want
had already been diminished
by a simple truth
I feel like shit
cause theres no one else to blame
No one to shoulder my rage
No one I could curse at
except for myself
for falling so hard
Its all my fault
for breaking down
in my own way
for crying
these silent tears
for carrying
this burden on my entire self
I dont ever want
to be the person Id become
but I couldnt choose
I dont want to go home

all the same

Next time you see me
dont look at me that way
Next time you smile at me
Ill turn the other way
Im no fool
not even for you
Im no fool
for the things you do
Its all a game
its all the same
Dont call me "baby"
dont try to be the one
to tell me everything will be alright
Dont say you love me
love has died in my heart
the way your words die in my mind
Don't call me "baby"
its all the same
all the same
What I dont understand
is how you forget so easily
theres blood on your hands
hearts break easily
Im fine on my own
all through crying over you
Im fine all alone
much better off without you
Dont call me "baby"
nothing you can say
is ever gonna make it right
Dont say you love me
Ive shut the door
and locked my heart up tight
Dont call me "baby"
It's all the same
all the same

sole work of the devil

The demons block my view
Their aura fills my chest
I breathe in their demonic thoughts
They put me to the test
I sink into their mindset
My world's a living hell
How long I can withstand it
Only time will tell
My body is their temple
I sink down to their level
The drugs I take are demons
The sole work of the devil.

Screaming, Wailing, Crying

Screaming, Wailing, Crying
A wave of hurt inside
Gashes in my heart
Cant be seen in my eyes
The calm before the storm
The sun burning bright
No clouding in the sky
Fresh air and morning light
The happiness inside
Not lasting very long
Sadness taking over
Yet I’ve done nothing wrong
I’ve fallen down, please help me
Take a grasp upon my hand
Help me out and take me
To someplace where I can stand
Don’t laugh at my misfortunes
Its not my fault
I cry out loud
Don’t ask about my wounds
Self inflicted cuts are not "allowed"

cruel intentions

Cruel intentions
Are what you had
When we were together
you did nothing but make me sad
I let you into my heart
Now I feel used
I will never again let anyone get that close
because my trust was abused
You planned it all along
I knew it in my head
That cruel intentions were all you ever had

rage inside of me

Rage inside me
I can’t contain
Fighting more
To just remain calm
You want control
I want release
To get away
From your hold
Listen now
And listen good
Get the fuck
Out of my business
I don’t want you
Or even need you

see thru you

Hate fills me
Love awaits me
Fire consumes me
No water can quench me
Rain falls on me
Angers churns in me
Eyes glare upon me
Daggers pierce through me
Lies devour you
Terror inflates you
Emptiness consumes you
No honor can find you
I look at you
Beginning to know you
I try not to hate you
Seeing right through you