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Thursday, July 27, 2006

the end

Their words became painful whips against my pride. The yelling which pounded inside my head left me with headaches so bad I couldnt stand it. I tried so hard to fight them, day after day, but it became harder and they grew stronger. The more I fought, the weaker I became. My body couldnt handle their immense power, and my mind couldnt handle their thrashing. I soon began to withdraw my innerself, my true form, from the world. The things I once loved became shadows of a forgotten life. I preferred to pass the time alone in my darkened room with but a single candle to light my proceedings. At least here I could cry without shame, here I could fight them without being heard. This was my sanctuary, and although I was not safe in it, I was alone. I could escape the judgment of the cruel world; I could accomplish what needed to be done. I let the silence surround me, and the darkness engulf me, drawing me into my darkened hole. I would shine the razor, glistening and silver in the dull light, allowing it to cast a haunting shadow on the adjacent wall, and then I would cut my pain away. My mind would go blank as the ecstasy of this pain presented itself. As I cut, they urged me on, they told me that when I stopped, my shame would return. So for them I continued until that piece of my skin was swollen and red. I couldn’t fight them. Twenty years of crimson pain were shed upon the cold hard floor that night. No longer was I expected to fake a smile, no longer did I have to lie. No sound escaped my tear soaked lipsas I quietly wept, alone on the white ceramic of my bathtub. Such a fitting end to my lonely life, I was alone in this world, I was alone in death, but at least I would finally be truly alone. No longer would I have to endure the dry, raspy voice, which had caused so much pain and doubt in my life. No longer would I have to fear his childish words, convincing me of my death, as he told me glorious stories of a friendship I could have, a friendship which could never be. The voices were gone for the first time in years and they would never come back. As I lie there on the ground, the life draining from my pale bloodstreaked body I could hear everything. I could understand the quiet lyrics as they sang to me their cyanide secrets and deadly dreams. I could hear my dogs quietly sniffing at the door questioningly. In those last few minutes, I listened to the water, rushing from the silver faucet, which had been turned on to conceal my last cries. I heard the drain swallowing the water, which had mixed with my maroon blood and salted tears. In those last moments, everything had become so clear, the cloak of secrecy had been lifted off me, I sat there, exposed to the world. I remember the peaceful calm, which swept over me like a comforting blanket. I can still see that last image of my blood, my life, flowing majestically down the drain in a wondrous hue, I finally finished that which I had started so many times. As I exhaled my last breath, two words escaped my lips, which had protected sso many secrets before now. “Im free” With these words I closed my eyes and let my life flee from me, for I never feared death, I feared life with out death.

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