Cant take back

The night is quiet and empty
the only noise I make
I am sad and lonely
I feel like I will break
I don't want things to be the way they are
I just want life to be okay
I want to be someone's shining star
I want someone to stay
I have tried to change things so many times
and each time they fall apart
I desperately want the sun to shine
I want to mend my heart
and here it's dark and empty
in me, my soul is black
now it is so temptingto do something
I can never take back

Hide Beside

I’ve hid behind myself
The facades, the covers and the lies.
Buried myself again,
This time,
I’m afraid much too deep
Don’t know whom to turn to
Or whom I can confide
Is this love? Lust or trust?
And did I ever know?
Or could it be
You were just another warm body
To hide beside at nite

Broken Promise

That promise you made
I still remember
you promised that you
would love me forever
so did forever really mean
until you got tired of trying?
Did forever mean
until you stop?
You told me you loved me
I guess you forgot
you shouldn’t have said it
Unless it was true
I wouldn’t have said it
Back to you
I shouldn’t have believed
You wouldn’t lie
If you can do it
Why cant I?
Of all the promises
You have made
It hurt the most
When you turned away
You promised that you
Would love me forever
Well, now I guess
You don’t remember

Broken Child

Broken child
left deceived
fragile thoughts
Unrelieved
Twisted time
Twisted fate
No love exists, only pure hate
Soul-less eyes stare upon her
Wordless laughter makes her body stir
Faded hands touch her heart
Only to squeeze it slowly apart
A shattered stained glass window left in rainbow light
She's to blind to see, her world is dark as night
A solemn prayer whispered by her bedside
All she wishes for is all she has been denied
Broken childall alone
unearthly wishes
Decaying bones
Imagined hope
Imagined dreams
a broken world left as it seems

Babble time

Drunk, writing, typing. This I'll never understand. Why must I feel compelled these times? Most of the time I'm fine, I really am. But tonight and yesterday and whom am I fooling, it's been this way for days. The anniversary? What a name to call such thing! David calling? Shane? Who the fuck is they to tell me what I must be feeling? Is that it? Maybe anger? That I can deal. Anything else, unacceptable. Where did he get off for sure? My own father, my daddy, my protector, couldn't give a rat's ass. Why should I? Momma told, from the babes mouth it comes,. Rejected refused, isolated. Forced to live this life of pain. One whom which the mother accepts these days. But SHE is not to blame she says, its him, always daddy, or at least someone else. When in reality she just couldn't protect her own daughter. For what? Why did I deserve the treatement that I took? Just a kid, just a babe, younger than my Gage, not even my own child. What would I do? Hell no I wouldn't behave the way you did, for survival or not, my kid comes first. Being molested, being abused, shhh don't tell. What the fuck, I just don't get it. I cant imagine telling him not to tell me something that hurts me, if he himself has been being hurt by someone we love, every day, every nite of his life. Where does she get off? I don't get it. Sitting here alone with nothing but my thoughts and Jerry's sleeping body. Who am I to tell these deep dark thoughts of mine. What if the boys tell themselves? I'd never tell them to keep their mouths shut. Just pray that they don't think there's any problem with Aunt Loretta, crying desperately clinging to them swearing nothing will ever hurt them. It must be damaging to their souls. Am I just has bead as the bad people who hurt children. I'm giving them fear where fear should not be had of the innocent. But I'm giving them the mistrust, the anger I feel towards anyone in charge. Its wrong I know. But would I rather them kill a cop or teacher that touch them inappropriately. Or what if it was him, the one who hurt me. I couldn't tolerate that. I'd prefer a a rude and hateful child than one who thought that they had to adheere to all adult authority. Hell no, they can say no, even inappropriately, even if wrong a million times, to be right once when an adult wished to hurt them.I must decide, I must conquer this fear, irrational or not. I've just got this feeling something is going to happen to one of them, or already has. To the girls or to the boys, I don't think I could survive. I don't get it. Some have said it's the ages that remind us of our past and bring about all our fears. Briana's when it ended, Alisha is when it happen the worst, Gage is when I sought help, denied, a chance at purity revoked. Aidens when it started? Who knows? Not me. I'll accept anything but defeat. He will never hurt them, plans are being made. To serve lifetime in jail, or the death penalty, would be worth it, to stop the damage, prevent a cycle. A mental institution they could put me in, no worse than what I've lived. I'd love to serve, a nuthouse, I've been many times before. In prison, I'd love to see REAL bars surrounding me., ones I could reach and touch

Darkness

Darkness swirls around
Enveloping me
Taking my breath away
Choking, struggling
Against the dark
Reaching out
Feeling nothing
Searching
For the light
To lead me back
From this hell
I find myself in
In the distance
What is that I see?
A glimmer?
Or is it just my imagination
Wanting, needing
The light to take me
Warm me in its embrace
Hold me forever
Away from the darkness.

Angel Eyes

Angel's eyes
Looking at you
Secrets hidden
Deep within
Lustful wants
Untamed desires
Unleashing only
Behind closed doors
Fires burning
Thoughts unveiled
Hidden fantasies
Now fulfilled

Wanted to Believe

I want to leave
I know I should
But no matter how much I want to
I know I never could
You told me you loved me
And I wanted to believe you
But out of all the lies you've told me
I wish only that one was true
I don’t know how I stay
And I also don’t know why
But the hardest thing I've never said
Would have to be goodbye
You make me fall in love with you
Over and over again
And every time you leave me
I somehow know it's not the end
You always come back
You never disappear
And every time you show up again
You pretend to show you care
Stupidly I love you
And I know I always will
No matter how much I want to change
That is the way I'll always feel

Alarm Clock

Alarm Clock
Sitting in the dark frightened and lonely
Awaiting the break of day
Alone and scared, the darkness awaits me
Wanting to consume me with pain
The silence splintered
With his soft peaceful breath
Safely sleeping without the fear
Unknowing where I stand now
To waken him would be easy
He'd hold me patiently as I cried
Yet I don't, I won't, I can't
I can't share the pain
The fear is mine alone to bear
I'll sit here and wait
The sound of his alarm clock
Shall be my release

Accepting

It's time for me to admit it
though it was easier to lie
I'm done with this shit
and I’m not going to cry.
You don’t deserve a tear,
not one at all,
so fuck you goodbye
done with your crap, all and all.
You hurt me and twist itso its like I'm to blame
if it’s my fault then why
is it me who’s in pain?Goodbye this is the last time
I’m done so, so long.
No more lying to myself
I'm accepting I’ve been wrong.

Acceptance

I could scream
I could cry
I could fall upon my knees
Begging for forgiveness
Praying for you to forgive my sins
And still never reach the point we must see
That of acceptance

A Way Out

So what is the point of going on
when you live in a place you don’t belong
no one can see who you really are
and each word they say leaves another scar
you cant even walk 2 feet
without getting pushed or beat
you feel like you're nothing at all
wanting to scream, wanting to fall
you stand up and hold the knife
you try to cut out the pain of this life
you want to take the next step towards death
like jump of a bridge and not hold your breath
you need something to fill this empty space
cuz you know you're too weak to leave this place
starting with the drugs all the time
you find yourself all out of line
you dig in your pocket for one more joint
cuz you know your at your lowest point
desperately searching for something else
to take you away from all this hell
then she came along and pulled you out
she saved your life without a doubt

A Robot

Almost a robot as she goes through her day
So careful to always have the right thing to say
She keeps giving and giving and yet they want more
Don't they understand her heart is tore?
But she fronts like she’s okay, pretending for sure
Knowing her, her heart she'll never find a cure
She shakes of the tears she hides deep inside
in fear they’d be upset if they knew how she cried
So much failure how can she do right?
Give her hope, tell her yes, yes you might.
If you keep that head up, try your very bes
tmaybe then, everyone will give you a rest.

A Girl With an Attitude

A girl with attitude
from the very moment
she entered this world
bound and determined
she'd always get her way
A girl with attitude
the first time she went to school
she beat up all the boys
breaking every rule
the biggest bully on the playground
just a little feisty girl
A girl with attitude
always talking back
a pain in dad's ass
more weight on mom’s shoulders
A girl with attitude
dates a supposedly nice guy
and gets treated like shit
turning pain into anger
can't ever shed a tear
A girl with attitude
getting more mellow
as the years do pass
but anger still inside
sometimes she wants to explode
or just have a good cry
A girl with attitude will someday live again
but for now she's subsided

Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay down in my bed
a .45 aimed at my head
if no one catches me
in time the depthsof darkness will be mine
I hope I die before I wake
I know then
my heart won't break
I wish to die here all alone
at least my feelings have been shown

Six Foot Under

Six Foot Under
I can't explain yesterday
Or the way I feel today
There's this hatred inside
For all things, great and small
For you and for him
Although you did nothing wrong
He takes the blame, you take my pain
I know how I act isn't right at all
If I could stop it I would
But things will never change
My life will never be same
'Till there's a stake through his heart
His body buried 6 feet under

A woman sitting next to me

The woman sitting next to me has burn marks on her hands. As she sleeps, I let myself stare, trying to figure out if it was a cooking accident or more. She sat down quietly, but her eyes grazed me with malignant anger. She is awake now. I turn away, look out the window. Reaching for the phone the sleeve of her business jacket lifts,revealing a neat row of round burn marks all up her forearm. Was she hurt as a child? Was it a husband, mean boyfriend, crazy sex fetish? I try to catch the title of the book she's reading for clues. It's just some mystery novel. I can tell I'm making her uneasy. I go back to my writing. She looks so hard like a lot of women in here. Dark secrets haunting her insides, softness sucked out, a deep sadness in her eyes. I sit and ponder, amI staring at my past? my present? or whom I will become.

Babble about bullshit

I'm back again, not knowing what to do or where to go or whom to trust. Or even if I feel like trying to live in this damn cruel world. I want out, out of what Im not sure. I just I cant continue this any longer. I had planned to finally confide in him today. To try and make him understand what small simple scratches, not even really cuts can mean to me. How healing they are. I'm sure he knows I'm doing it again but so far have kept in under control nothing deep, nothing noticable when I'm dressed. Passable as puppy scratches. But before I could have the time to bring it up, so much more has happened. The kids came to the flea market today and travis told grandpa to have mom bring him and granny to mcdonalds to see the boys cause loretta wont let them come to the house. And grandpa kept repeating it, we got in a semi screaming match. Him saying he was going to say anything he wanted to and repeat it 900 times if he wanted or he was moving. I was just trying to tell him she and I who was sittin in the bathroom with a pocketsword, heard him the first 10 damn times. Then they and Cdub discussed rather loudly how they was mad at travis too but wasnt going to take it out on the boys. As if thats what I'm trying to do. Damnit dont none of them understand that I cant play nice with these people that are playing mind games with me and the baby. I'dnever do anything to hurt him. But I cant sit around and pretend like everything the boy said never really happened. That Travis himself said happened. I love Gage and Aiden more than life itself. But I cant sit around while mom and travis and everybody else sits around and forgets! I cant forget, I wont forget. But goddamn what are they tellin the boys. Gage was almost 3 before either of his parents really acknowledged his existence. He was hurt enough as a baby, damn why cant these people stop all this goddamn pretending. Shhh it never happened, its all a dream, or no thats wrong, youre remembering it wrong. Loretta's crazy dont listen to her. Damnit Ive heard all this shit before. And I know why I am this because when people are getting along (for the moment) in this family, the bad stuff neverhappened. Well apparently I wasnt blessed with that type of ignorance. I also cant simply forget. It was her idea to start seeing shrinks in the first place, and to listen and do what they say. Well, I am. I refuse to mindfuck myself any longer.

SOmetimes

He drinks away his problems
His teardrops are filled with his past
He acts like he's ok inside
but I can see through his fake smile
I can see the pain that he holds deep inside.
And I wonder how he can live that way
Not letting people in, never having much to say
He drinks away the pain
And I can see the hurtful memories
swim throughout his tired eyes
But he won't let me in.
Won't let me try and ease the pain
I'm not her.
I could never hurt you the way she had.
But I could never change his mind.
Why do I even try?
I hurt myself by giving him all myself
when he doesn't do it in return.
But it's ok.
I like it that way.
At least you're happy sometimes.

Each Day New

Waking up
Feeling something
Many times simply nothing
Can't decide
Which way to go
Or what to do
Within myself
Random thoughts
Of days gone by
And future times
I long to see
Each day is new
But not so bright
Just a time
To live my life

Just to Live

Sitting, weeping in my bed
Terror spinning in my head
Twisted thoughts
Await my dreams
Taunting at my every move
Seeing sights I just can't lose
Nights so long
Days unseen
Watching as my fires burn
Fear is at my every turn
Unexpected
Loss of sleep
Always finding emptiness
All my demons, nothing less
Confront the truth
And pay the price
Seek out revenge
Just to live my life again

You're too late

You're too late
I'm already alone now
You're too late
I can't hold on now
You're too late
I've already given up now
You're too late
You can't save me now
You're too late
I won't listen now
You're too late
I'm already hurt now
You're too late
I've already cut now
You're too late
You can't save me now
You're too late
I'm already crying for my loss now
You're too late
I've already started to disappear now
You're too late
I am dead now
You're too late
You can't save me now
From this fate
You're too late
You've lost me already now

put a knife to your skin

put a knife to your skin
feel the coolness as pressing in
know you're alive
as blood seeps out under the knife.
feel the instant relief
as it floods over your body.
to live each day
to know you're alive
that this is not a dream
you put a knife to your skin once again.
people tell you to stop
but you can't
for the relief is sought day after day.
no one understands you
as you seek for relief,
but i understand you
for i put a knife to my skin.
i know what you're seeking
because i am seeking it too.
know that you are not alone
as we put the knives to our skins.

a child is being watched

a child is being watched
she cannot do anything all by herself.
when she colors, he is there watching.
when she eats, he forces her to eat more.
when she plays, he is within feet from her.
when she talks, he is listening to every word said.
when she goes to school, he drops her off and picks her up.
when she's at school, he is always calling.
when she leaves from school, he is watching her every move.
he watches her all the time, 'cause he has hurt her and doesn't want it to seep out.
she is being watched by him her whole life.
and the cyclc would continue.
cause i know she wouldnt tell
the child is being watched with no independence for her.

Behind Those Doors

What had occurred behind those doors
Was top secret,
So, shhh, and I will tell you.
He used to close the door
And made sure no one was able to get in
And took off my clothes and then his own.
He used to grope me, like a wild man
With fingers here and fingers there.
I would grow quiet and kept all my feelings inside
To let him think
I was having a pleasurable time
When in reality I was not.
He sometimes used violence
And other times, he used to persuade me
Into having a one-person-sex experience,
I was never involved.
In fact, I used to leave the situation completely.
A little five year old can not handle all the pain
Inflicted by an adult man.
Sex has become my enemy.
When I think of sex, I think of him.
And that is too unbearable.
What happened behind those doors
Was a complete secret.
NO ONE was to know,
'cause it was wrong and illegal.
The man should be punished of all the things he did.
In fact, he shouldn't be free,
he should be behind those doors
Locked and alone.
For he deserves no vistors,
'cause he is an evil man.
What is behind those closed doors
Is an evil, EVIL man.

Like Me

All she sees is black
She doesn't even see a possible future,
Everything looks so bleak
She sees that she is going
To end up on the streets.
She needs someone who will listen to her,
She needs someone who will behave accordingly
To the issues that are bothering her.
She needs to find a home
Who will take her in
And accept her for who she is.
Why are people naive
Towards people like me?
And they won't even listen to them?
Why can't people spare some of their time
To help them?
The people like me are human,
Like you and him, and should be treated the same.
What is going to happen to the girl
Who is going to end up on the streets?
Is she going to be able
To survive on her own?
Please let there be some one who will be able to help her
And to show her there is a future for her.

The Eye

The eye,
the very watchful eye
watches me making every move
and I can't make up a lie.
That eye belongs to a relative of mine,
that eye belongs to my brother
And everytime someone disagrees with him,
the eye shows that he is mad.
When my brother used to use me
the eye would tell me how he feels,
and now with the memories,
every thing feels so real.
Wherever I go,
I feel that watchful eye
and I never know what to do,
maybe I should die.
Even if I did die
I'm afraid the eye would come with me,
heaven or hell,
I don't know where I would be.
The eye, the watchful eye
watches me every minute.
The eye.

Nobody Cared, Nobody Cried

Just a little girl with heart of gold
Full of fun and laughter,
or so I’m told
But her world was shattered time and again
And her heart was broken and couldn’t mend
Because nobody cared, and nobody cried
For the little girl with so much pain inside.
Bedtime stories that she knew would come just not when
Like Little Red Riding Hood,
but then The big, bad wolf he’d pretend to be
And ravish her body and sometimes she'd bleed
And nobody cared, and nobody cried
There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
The man, he knew her well
Knew it wouldn’t matter if she should tell
His tongue in places it shouldn’t have been
She felt so dirty, for she had sinned
But nobody cared, and nobody cried
And the little girl just crawled inside.
Suck on this and I’ll give you a treat!
The man had said on that lonely street
She did his bidding till he left one day
Used and abused then tossed away
He never cared, he never cried
For this little girl who just wanted to die.
The terror filled her soul and heart
Till her mind and body split apart
But nobody cared, and nobody cried
As the little girl shriveled up inside.
Then there was the other man,
Who took her body and fondled and mauled
He told himself, It won’t hurt much!
And look, she even likes my touch!
And nobody cared, and nobody cried
For the little girl who was dying inside.
There was her brothers friend
Who kissed her hard upon the mouth
Caught by her mother who began to yell
You’re just a slut, you’ll go to hell!
She didn’t care, she didn’t cry
For her little girl that would rather die.

IN the LIght

The night was never a comfort,
And sleep never came easy, if at all.
She never knew when he was coming;
not if, but when, for he always came.
He was all the monsters a child can imagine,
and some a child could never imagine;
so she stopped imagining.
and thinking.and feeling.
and went away somewhere where she was safe
until he finished and faded back into the night.
But, until the morning chased away the shadows,
she could still feel his hands; not his gentle,
daytime hands,
but his rough and greedy nighttime hands,
touching her in places hands should never be;
touching her in ways they never touched
her in the light.
And with each touch,
he took a piece of her
until she disapeared

No Cry

She wasn't yet in her teens,
Just a tomboy, in blue jeans.
She had learned to live with pain;
Throughout her days, it would remain.
Again her mind wondered, "Why?"
Perhaps she'd know, by and by.
There must be something awfully wrong,
She guessed she'd known it all along.
Alone at home she cleaned and cooked
and did just what she was told
When it was time for them to come home
She would go away and hide,
While her heart just ached and cried.
Finally the hurting words had ceased,
From their cruel blows she was released.
So she turned and walked away,
She knew better than to stay.
In her room she closed her door,
And cried 'till she could cry no more.
And yet this child, so shy, so mild,
Would not allow herself to cry;
Instead she laughed, oh how she laughed,
While both her eyes stayed dry.
She could not let the world forget
Though smaller, she was stronger.
It was not ’til, the hands were still,
And she had reached her room,
That she’d allow the tears to flow;
With sobs she’d be consumed.

Everasting Tears

I wish you could have felt
What you done to me
My little body,oh so sore
But you never cared
About your little girl I didn't even feel
Much like eating
Because of the Late nights and
All the mistreatings I wanted so very bad to sleep
But knowing if I didInto my room silently
He would creep I didn't want nor ask
For his evil touch
Didn't you know it hurt me so very much
Couldn't you realizeI was just a little girl
Wanting to live
A normal life
And now after
All these long years
And everlasting tears
I still feel hate for you all
Deep within my heart
It's a feeling that
Will never part

Tell HIm

please dear god tell him
tell him oh so how big he is
cause i know he musnt know
he couldnt want to hurt me how he does
they say daddies love their little girls
please make my daddy he love me too
now i cant make a soundI just heard the car
Theyre back from god knows where.
I hear him curse and call my nameI press myself against the wall
hopin he wont make it this far down the hall
I try and hide from his evil eyesI'm so afraid now and starting to cry
He finds me weeping on the closet floor
He says its my fault that the law came to the door.
He slaps me and hits me
Then yells at me some more,
I finally get away
And I try to get out the door
Yet he stops me once again with his words of hatred
I fall to the floor begging for forgiveness
And my daddy continues
With angry words and painful hands"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late now
The punishments already decided
with unimaginable hate
The hurt and the pain
Again and again the paddle slams against her skin
its gonna leave a reminder he says
Then I get soap for the lies he says I told
My mouth it must be clean now
I swear on my life and know that I must keep my word
Cause he gave me life,
he can take it back
Moms pounding on the door
I dont know how long shes had to hear my fear
Oh please dear God, please have mercy!
Oh please let it end soonlet him tire of this game
when he finally stops and opens the door
"Oh honey" she says
I open my eyes but she doesnt appear to see me
Where I lay motionless sprawled upon the bedroom floor
Away they walk without another word

Life on the INside

Life On The Inside
Staring out the open window
feeling trapped and so alone
Wondering what life was like
outside the four walls of her home
It had been such a long time now
since her freedom she had lost
She had fallen for the wrong man
and now she pays the cost
She thought if only she had the courage and confidence
she lacked
Then it would be so easy to walk away
and never again look back
But that had all been stripped from her
by a man who strives on control
He had stolen her identity
and left her with only a broken soul
Some may wonder why she stayed so long
and let him hurt her so
But they don't understand he
had such a hold on her
and would never let her go
They just don't realize what its like
to have no tears left to cry
And the only freedom you can see in your future
is the day you will die
She sits staring out the open window
silently wishing for someone to pass by
Someone to come break the chains
and set her captive soul free to fly
Her pleading can be heard
carried softly by angels to the world outside
Someone come and save me
and loose the strings he has so tightly tied

Can I be myself

Can I Be Myself
She was sitting by the window
watching for him to come home
She wished the time didn't go so fast
she sure enjoyed being alone
Things would be so different
when he would walk in the door
Sometimes she thought about leaving
and not taking this anymore
She was so tired of trying to be someone
he thought she should be
Why couldn't things be different she thought
why can't I just be me
The times she got to spend without him
was the only time her life felt right
For it was then she could escape and be herself
and let her heart take flight
But another day had passed now
and it was time to put herself away
And try to make it through the night
and wait for another day
When she could forget all the bad times
and soar free as a bird in the skies
As he pulled in she slowly walked towards the door
and wiped the tears from her eyes

Lost of Innocence

Lost Of Innocence
I knew a young girl once
just starting on love's path
She was so carefree and happy
and would always make you laugh
Then one day she fell in love
and her world suddenly all changed
Her life soon become full of heartache
and she was playing grown up games
She couldn't understand how someone who loved her
would want to hurt her so
She was now trapped in a world of pain
and had no place to go
The first time that he hurt her
was the day her innocence died
So she began to look for a place deep inside herself
for somewhere safe to hide
Each time he raised his hand to her
he would tell her she was to blame
So she would look for ways to change
but her life remained the same
She traveled deeper inside herself
until she had lost sight of day
She couldn't understand what she had done
and why her life had to be this way
Now this carefree girl of long ago was bruised and hurting
and she felt so ashamed
She thought the world would look at her
and know the truth
that she was the one to blame
She believed when he would tell her
she would never make it on her own
And because no one else would ever want her,
this prison would always be her home
So she settled in to her life of pain
and decided maybe this was where she was meant to be
For she was just a nobody that could do nothing right
as she was sure the world could see
She soon found out
that life out there wasn't at all like
he said it would be
And yes someone else did want her
and his love for her would fill a sea
She still has the scars and pain inside her
and some days they come back to hurt her so
But she's slowly finding that carefree girl
she buried so long ago

No Escape

Looking back on a time and place
Seeing a child's innocent face
Knowing that things aren't as they appear
For inside she cries silent tears
Deep inside she is filled with pain
She feels dirty and full of shame
Innocence lost at a very young age
Locked this child in a pain filled cage
There is no freedom or escape
From the fact this child was hurt
While the guilty man is roaming free
This child is sentenced to eternity
Eternity locked away with all this shame
She can't help but feel that she was to blame
Even though common sense says it was not her fault
She can't seem to help from having these thoughts
What ifs' keep running through her mind
She keeps going back to those moments in time
If there isn't something different she could have done
Why didn't she stop it, why couldnt she win?
She did her best and fought with pride,
But it didnt change a thing
While this grown man did what he should have not
Shame and fear made her keep the silence
Kept her telling anyone about the violence
The thing that is shocking beyond belief
Is that this child could not get any relief
The same thing happened again and again
The first one was just how it began
More than one man did his worst
None of them caring about the child they hurt
After the first time was it easy to tell
Was it her pain and shame they could smell?
With every touch a part of her died
Now she is in a prison that has no gate
Every one of them sealing her fate

You Cut youreself

She steps into the bathroom,
just leave me alone, just go the fuck away
"you cut yourself, baby"
and your voice lingers on.
I can't stand you anymore
I just can't understand it
no, I don't want to talk about it
"you're angry about something,
I don't know if it's him,
your parents or who"
fuck you, don't tell me what I feel, bitch
"I should of realized it when you were 9 and started writing those weird poems"
weird, eh? Yeah, that's right.
Sure that’s when I lost it.
Do you really think you know me?
I mean, do you REALLY think you do?
Stupid bitch.
You don't know half of it.
God, I can't stand the way you look at me
the way you stare at me
do I fascinate you?
"There’s this psychological center across the street that I want you to go to..."
what? No, no, no, no.
"you don't think you need help?"
I’m fucking fine.
What the FUCK is your problem?
Why can't you just leave me the FUCK alone?
"You cut yourself, baby"and your voice lingers on.

You Ask and I dont know

You ask me what I see
When I look into your eyes
Or when I need to feel your touch
What makes you different than the rest
Why I chose to be with you over anyone else
I don’t have the right answers
For each of your questions
I can only tell you how I feel
How much you really do mean to me
It hasn’t been long
But long enough for me to be sure
That I have made the right decision this time

I Write

I write. Words on paper. Black on white. A pen, a typewriter, a computer. The things I use to express myself, to reveal the anguish, the memories, and the fears. Intangible, abstractoften obscure phrases filled with metaphor and symbolism. Page after page of black on white, the words is as two dimensional as the paper they are scrawled across. No cry for help, no scream of anger, no sound is heard but the soft whisper of paper floating down to earth. I have no voice to read the words aloud, it was taken from me, many years before. No utterances of outrage, no pleas for mercy. Unable to protest the violations, I write. Feelings, emotions, held so tightly inside that I cannot breathe. The tears in my eyes go unshed for fear they will be seen. Thoughts, memories, startling flashes of hands and angryfaces, all battling for attention in my mind. Random, unwanted, a dance of pain set the discordant music, the screeching sounds of a million wounds wailing in the wind. Unable to speak, I write. Unable to stop the sorrow, I write.Existing as a dichotomy. One has the blindness of youth, a faith in love that time has not tarnished, a devotee of fairy tales and happy endings. A mind still clear and quick, hungry to be filled with wisdom and able to close the doors on memories, hiding them away like broken toys no longer need. A heat that beats strong, straining to break the boundaries that age has imposed, aching to be touched. Courageous. An explorer always looking for a new land, a new adventure, unafraid. The other has the blindness of experience, self-imposed, defensive, cynical of life and love. A mind cluttered with faded photos, broken records, desperately searching for the broken toys, finding only pieces that cut and burn, behind doors that burst open without warning, then slam shut just as quickly.A heart that beats timidly, rapidly, trying to turn in upon itself, to build walls stone, in constant fear of shattering. Ashamed, reluctant to venture beyond the confines of the familiar darkness, unwilling to open the window to let in the light. Reacting to the past, living in the present, I write. Messages like silent voices, screaming to the farthest reaches of my brain.. Messages that repeat, over and over, like a broken record that no one else hears. Messages, fragments of thoughts, pieces of memories, floating like shards of a mirror in space. Sharp edged pieces of information, cutting like razors into my emotional fabric. I can’t avoid them, they are everywhere, in everything, but to touch them is to feel the pain, and the loss of myself.Words. Frustrations, fear, isolation, anger, pain, sorrow, and shame. Familiar words, friends, known all too, well. Words. Strangers, passing acquaintances from someone else’s life. Words. A constant struggle, the overwhelming need to be heard, the petrifying fear that no on is there to hear, or care. I write because I can’t say the words. I write because I have to. I write because I know if I don’t, I die. I write.

WIshing I could Leave the Past Behind

I hide in the corner
Crouching down in fear
my arms wrapped round my body
from my cheek drops a tear
Every day my daddy comes home
Put the supper on, obey the commands
If I don’t do it right
He just yells and hits me“
You are a stupid girl
you can’t get anything right”
WHACK goes his hand across my cheek
Leaving it throbbing all through the night
Mommy knows everything
but pretends she knows not a thing
I wished I’d never entered this world
if I’d know the pain they would bring
I just want to be happy
and have parents that love me and care
to be brought into this family of abuse
Is illegal, torturous and unfair
Maybe some day he’ll hit me so hard
That I will fall to the ground and die
I will be able to live happily in heaven
And leave the past behind

Lets Pretend

When you looked into my eyes last night
I was afraid of what all you might see
But I didn’t turn away
I held your gaze for an hour it seemed
Before you calmly walked away
Walked out into the night, out of my life again
Yet I know deep down, that you’ll resurface
You always do in your own time
When you’re ready and not a second before
And when you come back we’ll pretend once again
We’ll forget last night ever happened
Forget the words we said
Forget the love we almost shared
Why you do this, I’ll never know
I’ll never be what you want me to be
Our views won’t change, we’ll never agree
Our secrets will never be shared
This is the way it is and always will be
So why can’t you see?
Why don’t you stay?
Why do you always come back to me?

Shake your head

Don’t touch me
you hurt did you know that?
Did you know that you scare me?
With every move you make
every word that drops out of you lips
you make me want to cry
you make count down the days till I leave
the only time I act friendly
is when you spend your money on me
a sort of revenge of what you do
I spend your money blackmail in the making
you once asked me "why do you hate me"
I answered a lie
you got me so pissed when I was younger
I told you I hated everything you did
and you would yell at me kept repeating"you hate me??"
And it ran through my head
making me want to beat you down
to make you shut up
I’ve never got along with you
you smoke when I cant
make me cry when I’m happy
you tear me apart if I think I did something good
the shake of your head the knowing your not proud
a couple more years till I’m gone
where’s your baby then?
I’ll be off in a better place
where I wont see you shake your head.

Accepting

It's time for me to admit it
though it was easier to lie
I'm done with this shit
and I’m not going to cry.
You don’t deserve a tear,
not one at all,so fuck you goodbye
done with your crap, all and all.
You hurt me and twist it
so its like I'm to blame
if it’s my fault then why
is it me who’s in pain?
Goodbye this is the last time
I’m done so, so long.
No more lying to myself
I'm accepting
I’ve been wrong.

What I Need

Unsettling feeling
Inside of me
Questions left
Unanswered still
No where to turn
No hiding place
Shadow lurking
At my door
Who to trust
I ask myself
There is no one
To show my fear
In all I doI search for more
But then againI also hide
From the truth
And what I need

Not sure what I was on here

No more ideas
Ive played this game for oh so long
I just dont know if I can make it through another hand
I finally get settled
The game sinking in when
Out of the blue the players disperce
The rules misplaced
No one leads
No one follows
We're all left confused
Wondering in circles, I watch
Like mice racing in their maze
Only to notice in the end
the cheese isnt there
Like creatures they are
Oblivious to the change

Too Much At Stake

It’s started hasn’t it?
Feared this from the start
Always happens eventually
Every time, never changes
So scared of getting close
Yet do it anyway
Now fallen so deep
Too hard to crawl out
Don’t want this to end
Not now
Haven’t given it a chance
Still don’t know what could become
Won’t know if giving up is the answer
That CAN’T be the answer
Not this time!
Can’t keep making these mistakes
By letting everything slip on by
Will stand up and fight
No backing down on this
Too much at stake to lose

Tired of Life

Tired of life,
I hurt and I cry.
Situations make me want to scream and dispel the rage I feel.
The unfairness of it all slaps me in the face
The sting of harsh words,
The cruelty of lies.
Hurt.
Damaged.
Broken.
Feelings and emotions are tender to the touch.
My soul is heavy and injured.
Shattered into a million pieces of me,
Waiting to be put back together.
Wanting to escape this hurt.
Tired of life, I hurt and I cry.
Trying desperately to understand

An explanation, thats not

Cutting. you wanted to understand this the other nite. Well here is what Ive come up with. No ok it may not technically feel good, it may not make shit better. But it makes it WORK. It stops time tempororarily. It makes everything else seem so far away. that only i can cause the damage that i have just carved or cut or many other things that you havent even noticed. and no i dont feel good about hiding this habit from you. or feel lucky when i find a new way that you never realize. the excuses i have are ready made, i guess in a way it comes natural to me. i have my next excuse planned long before i leave a mark. it makes all seem so much easier. it gets the pain to the surface and out. it makes it go away, albeit only for a short while. theres moments in time when you will hurt yourself that you realize that pain isnt all that bad. if i can do it myself and see it, and feel it and hurt, but i cant make it equal the pain im reaching for i dont guess. im hoping to achieve the bliss. the feeling you get, when you get to leave yourself and become someone new. its alll over when you can make it hurt yourself so he doesnt have to. he cant achieve what you can becase he cant leave his mark lest he be known. i can leave my own and only be called weird or stupid or jerrys word' its an unattractive feature' yeah ok like i give a damn. it helped me get to sleep the nite before. fuck you and everyone else who doesnt know how good it feels to control your own pain your own bliss.

Jumbled thoughts, uncomprehendable

What was I thinking? I mean who the hell did I think I was going to get some help. Fat chance. I get her over here for granny, with visions of sleep and trying to get jerry to talk again and well didnt work. Jerry decided to finally give in and take alisha to the park, knowing I couldnt go, knowing we need to talk, knowing I need sleep. I mean hell so now hes gone, mom aint helpin with granny, i wont get to sleep, I wont get to talk to him. And I need to talk to somebody. If only I could make him understand to the point that I am getting without telling him and him playing the usual game. I want somebody else or consider talkin to germ cheating on him. I mean I know thats where he'll go with it, and thats the reason I'm in this mess to start with. I feel bad for something I havent done nor would do. Crying and being held by a friend seems to be the greatest mistake I could have made. No moving in 2 streets over would be. No talking to Jerry about all this would be the worst. GOd Im losing my fucking mind. Mom just changed my idea of what could really be the worse, shes going to get gary. Joy joy. So now he gets to assist in the destruction of my sanity. And when jerry gets back, all the worst gets to meet each other. Hell she wont even let me write.

I soon began to withdraw my innerself, my true form, from the world. The things I once loved became shadows of a forgotten life. I preferred to pass the time alone in my darkenedroom with but a single candle to light my proceedings. At least here I could cry without shame, here I could fight them without being heard. This was my sanctuary, and although I was not safe in it, I was alone. I could escape the judgment of the cruel world; I could accomplish what needed to be done. I let the silence surround me, and the darkness engulf me, drawing me into my darkened hole. I would shine the razor, glistening and silver in the dull light, allowing it to cast a haunting shadow on the adjacent wall, and then I would cut my pain away. My mind would go blank as the ecstasy of this pain presented itself.As I cut, they urged me on, they told me that when I stopped, my shame would return. So for them I continued until that piece of my skin was swollen and red. I couldn’t fight them. Twenty years of crimson pain were shed upon the cold hard floor that night. No longer was I expected to fake a smile, no longer did I have to lie. No sound escaped my tear soaked lipsas I quietly wept, alone on the white ceramic of my bathtub. Such a fitting end to my lonely life, I was alone in this world, I was alone in death, but at least I would finally be truly alone. No longer would I have to endure the dry, raspy voice, which had caused so much pain and doubt in my life. No longer would I have to fear his childish words, convincing me of my death, as he told me glorious stories of a friendship I could have, a friendship which could never be. The voices were gone for the first time in years and they would never come back. As I lie there on the ground, the life draining from my pale bloodstreaked body I could hear everything. I could understand the quiet lyrics as they sang to me their cyanide secrets and deadly dreams. I could hear my dogs quietly sniffing at the door questioningly. In those last few minutes, I listened to the water, rushing from the silver faucet, which had been turned on to conceal my last cries. I heard the drain swallowing the water, which had mixed with my maroon blood and salted tears. In those last moments, everything had become so clear, the cloak of secrecy had been lifted off me, I sat there, exposed to the world. I remember the peaceful calm, which swept over me like a comforting blanket. I can still see that last image of my blood, my life, flowing majestically down the drain in a wondrous hue, I finally finished that which I had started so many times. As I exhaled my last breath, two words escaped my lips, which had protected sso many secrets before now. “I’m free” With these words I closed my eyes and let my life flee from me, for I never feared death, I feared life with out death.

WOnt Stop Writing

Don’t try to tell me
What I’m allowed to say
And do not ask me to
To think your way
I live and breath
Through writing
You can’t take away
My poetry
And I wont stop telling
My stories
And you can kick me until there’s nothing left
Take away my pride
And deny me my respect
But I will still scribble down my soul
With my last dying breath
I won’t stop writing
For you or anyone else
You won’t take away
My right to express myself
I won’t stop writing
No matter what you do
Are you that terrified
Of hearing the truth
I won’t stop writing
It keeps me from being like you
And you can talk
And you can laugh
But I will still bang out
Draft after draft
And no matter what you say
No matter what you think
I will write forever
Until I run out of ink
You can never take it away
You can never chain my mind
I am creating verses in my head
Constantly, all the time
You don’t have to care
You don’t have to read
You can cut me up with lies
And Ill scribble with the blood I bleed
This is my way of living
This is my way of fighting
No matter what you do
I won’t stop writing

In Bed All Day

I stay in bed all day,
it feels safer that way
Don’t wanna get up
don't wanna face the world
don't wanna do anything
if it might cause me pain
I’ll just stay right here
I’ll just stay sane
Just leave me on my own
I’ll feel bad for myself
I don’t need you to care
don't care if you stare
don't need you to tell me
that you'll always be there
I’ve heard all these lies
time and again.
I just don’t care anymore
and now I’m shutting the door
going back to my haven
my safe place for mourning
and I couldn’t care less
if things are better in the morning.

How Much I Hate

The anger fills me to the point where
You’re all that’s on my mind
I’m sitting here through the night
Wasting away so much time
Just trying to figure out
What in you I ever saw
You’re not worth this poem
You’re not worth anything at all
Right now I am so bitter, so mad
So full of anger and hate
That I just want to rip that cheap smile
Right off your face
I want to give it all back
All the horrible, twisted
Fucked up things you’ve said to me
You’ll never know what I’ve been through
Because of you
The way that I have felt
How I struggle within myself
I can’t stand what you are
And everything you are about
You’ll never know
Just how much I hate you right now
I hate myself so much
For ever letting you in
All of my misery
All of my sin
The only thing I can ever give anyone
Is suffering and pain
The thought of me ever having a heart
Is insane
Still I believed that somehow
You could help me change
I can’t believe I never realized before
When it is all so clear
That I’m barely human
And I don’t know how to feel
I thought that I could
Thought that I could trust in
Your words to be true
I know what you’re about to do
And you will never know
Just how much I hate you right now

Beautiful SIght

I can’t sleep, I’m not tired again tonight
so I lay in the dark putting up a fight
sometimes I see things that aren’t there
my eyes turn white, and I get scared
it’s over now.
I made it out somehow
it’s so easy for you to make me break
and every opportunity I give, you take
you say you want me here
but you know you cause me misery like no other
don’t say you want me
deny your feelings, deny me,
you know you know you dont know
you’re everything I covet
you know it.
And you love it
I wish I were more open and outspoken
I wish I could take off my disguise
I wish I would tell you my life isn’t broken
but I’m too tired right now to lie
more pills to drift me off to sleep tonight.
Goodnight.I hope I wake up to a beautiful sight

Hold Me

Hold me close
Don’t let me go
I want you by my side
Hold me close
Don’t let me go
Stay along
For the ride
I want you here
More than you know
So hold me close
Don’t let me go

Helping Myself

The sharp razor blades go over my skin
showing my pain from deep within
scars that represent more than physical pain
a pain in my heart that will always remain
I cry out for help but no one hears
I'm drowning here in an ocean of tears
I'm dying slowly, though faster by each day.
I'm sinking in my sadness that won't go away.
My heart feels heavy, like a weight's pulling it down
I'm screaming in this crowded room, but no one hears a sound.
Maybe someday they'll realize, this is my cry for help
but it's probably already too late, I can only help myself.
I'm not strong enough to do this, this pain, I can't set free.
I have learned to realize, it's become a part of me.
Maybe someday someone will pull me out of this lonely pit
or maybe I'll finally give up and I'll die in this pile of shit.

Happy Still

Thoughts of times
I've never seen
Memories of
What could have been
Time goes by
Seasons change
New perceptions form
In all we learn
Looking back
I'm happy still
Mistakes I've made
Created me
I am who I am
Because of where Ive been

Go Away

You don't know me.
You think you do, but you have never seen the real me.
I am not a person you would want to take home.
If you knew what was really in my heart you would run and never look back.
There is a demon lurking behind these eyes.
A heart of stone lives within.
I can walk away and never look back.
I can leave everything here and start a new life that you would not recognize.
Remorse is not a part of my make up.
Lethal I could be.
I watch you move like a lamb in the meadow waiting to be attacked.
It makes me drool with lust.
Cross me and I can rip out your soul with one look.
So you think you know.
Think again!
I chose to shout the door long ago.
Do not open it.
Do not pull in the rusted handle.
Do not unlock the bolt.
The heavy wooden door is the passage way back to feelings from another life.
It is a hall that I do not want to travel down again.
The demons that rest there are shackled to the floor.
That is where they need to stay.
To face them again would be the end of my world.
They would take over my mind and leave me chained inside.
All my treasures would be stolen in the night.
So, please go away and leave it closed.
Please go away and leave my heart alone.

Fuck You

If only life was less complex
If only I could shred this mess
If only satan would spit out my heart
Merciful God, make me blessed
If only I truly understood
If only others could see me
If only those bastards knew
Why cant they fucking be me!?
Let your soul burn in hell
Let God have no pity for you
Upon you, let witches cast a spell
Because your knowledge isn’t true
If only I could die my death
If only time went quicker
If only I had no more breath
If only with no one to bicker
Fuck you in thinking your right
Fuck you cause you have no clue
Fuck you for this useless fight
Does anything even matter to you?
No, that’s right, so fuck you!

Final Plea

I feel all alone
In a room so small
That appears endless
With walls infinitely tall
The room fills with smoke
And the walls brightly burn
My head spins slowly
As the walls start to turn
I reach for he middle
Of the previously white room
Praying for God to come
Wondering if this is my tomb
How the Hell
Did I end up dying and crying here?
Lord, don't create these tears
Lord, bring me one less fear

Everyone's

I'm so used up
I'm everyone's rag doll
I'm everyone's scapegoat
Everyone's old reliable
I'm everyone's "look-to"
I'm everyone's "saving grace"
I'm everyone's helper
Trying to please everyone -- that undeniable
Why am I compelled to wrestle
everyone's problems? I don’t know
All those but my own
I myself feel betrayed
Betrayed by my own person!
I could save anyone else with no problem
But self preservation I haven't gotten down
I've, from myself, so far strayed

Empty Pages

Empty pages
left blank with no story written
I don't know how to describe what I feel inside
each day, every night, there's more pain to fight
I don't know what to write when I’m hurting inside
that's why there's blank pages
so empty as could be
blank pages, that's what I see
I try so hard to calm myself down
blank pages,to an endless story I can't write down
will I see the ending to my story
will I finish writing what once was done
show me what's life for
help me understand these things I want to describe
I need to use my heart, not my eyes
I make the right moves, but nothing seems to go right
help me fill these pages I long to fill
because in front of me
there are blank pages with nothing written.

Dreamless

When all is asleep
they must feel complete
in their own little serenity
my mind cannot relax
stress inhabits my whole state
I wonder what joy truly feels likeI am dreamless
lost all my goalswhile children have inspiration
I feel only lostambitionless,spiritless
I am so very dreamless
everyone wants to succeed.
Why can't I be one of them?
I look to the sky,to only see blue
never can I see something brilliant, new
I am dreamless
I hope that doesn't always remain
I’d love to be able
to smile when the eyes are down and the mind should be blank
dreamless

Cutting

As I am crawling to your body
I feel completely washed out and used
its pathetic to be this way
I feel like I have so much more to lose
so I run to the only thing
that brings me down and hurts my pride
there you are with light around yourself
I guess you are the devils new best friend
you cut me deep with sharp glass
to my ribs and aiming more for the heart
it doesn't matter if I scream or shout
you know I like it more and more
I have no name
or person
in your presence I can only be seen as weak
there is no blamefor I am the one
who never seems to think of change
I want this pain and hurtI want to feel
but deep in these chains I must weep
that is what I am owed
sharp glass,
keep cutting till it feels okay

Cowards

I don't care what you think!
Those are the words I screamed at the top of my lungs today.
Nobody heard 'cus all the pain and yelling is going on inside.
Almost like a war being fought, shredding the insides of my precious soul
All because of the simple fact, I’m quite different from most.
Different,
How is that an accurate description of anything in our world these days?
Seems to me like nobody is the same,
It would all be too perfect in too many ways.
So can you really criticize?
Is that really your position?
I’ve taken the time to comprehend this all, why cant you?
I am most honorable.
I am myself, as are some of the lucky few.
We are lucky.
Don’t feel the need to hide ourselves.
Hide behind a shell of ignorance, pretending to be someone else.
That’s not our prerogative.
Yet in some ways, we are coward us.
Cowards we are.
Devoted to ritual.
Standing in the rain.
Holding all our pain inside.
By ourselves.
Because the one ones we can turn to are hidden.
Hidden inside the dark shadows of our mystifying world.
With no way out.

Confusion

Confusion settles in
I don't know what to think
should I stay?
Or should I go?
I've opted for the door
So many times in the past
Will this be different?
Will it result in the same?
I want to try now
But I don't want to lose
Can I trust you?
Can I trust me?
Confusion is where I live
this place
I will remain

Broken Angel

Broken Angel
motionless and cold
I lie here in front of youskin, once pale and smooth
now discolored and rough
a leather for you to sharpen your blade on
up and down, feel the stingturn the razor,
broken wingback and forth, make it burn
making your own designeach time I can take more
dig it deeper, watch blood crawl
little girl, broken angel
FALL FALL FALL
down my sides, bloody tears
watch me tremble, add the years
leave me as nothing, pick me up
wash me off, can't erase the stain
little girl, broken angel
nothing but pain

Anger

One of the few real emotions that I actually feel.
The majority of the others are faked.
I can't cry without the assistance of Vodka or Tequila
but I can damn sure get mad.
I don't have the slightest trouble, ask my boyfriend.
Anger is essential since I can't sit and feel sorry for myself.
I'm sure there are many others that way too.
Go ahead and cross me, see just how mad I can get, I love to show it off.
Just duck and cover. Hide all sharp objects and poisons.
Anger comes from allowing someone to hurt me.
Yes I know, it wasn't my fault, but I know many others feel the same way I do.
If you've ever lost a fight, you know how it feels.
Some of my best writing comes from anger.