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Thursday, July 20, 2006

Damaged Goods

I am damaged goods
Irreparable
Or so I think
Others think so too
That is how they wanted it
That is why he hurt me
That is why they let him
Hurt me the way that he did
I wish that I didn't feel like this
I wish I wasn't so damaged
I wished until I could wish no longer
Wishing doesn't make it go away
Damaged goods I continue to be
Who to blame?
Was I not strong enough?
To resist the abuse?
To resist the pain?
To resist the pleasure?
To resist their assertions of love?
To resist their excuses for the abuses?
Who can tell me?You?
But you weren't there, you didn't see
How can you say what it was or wasn't?
I can't trust your perceptions
I can't trust anything
What damage you ask?
You can't see the internal harm
I have learned to hide it from society
And from myself as best I can
But with any amount of self-probing
I find it,I cringe,I run,
But it remains, damaged.
I want to go to those who did it
And ask for their assistance
Help me; I say, with sweetness, eagerness
Love me, I am really asking
Really love me this time
They remain
Just as they always were
They will only do more damage
I couldn't handle any more
I am already too damaged
So I sit hereDamaged
Wondering,
What do I do?
I try to do everything that I read and hear I should
I shouldn't continue to allow myself to remain so damaged
It is my responsibility to fix the damage now
What a surprise, I say to myself
Sarcastically,
So I get the pain,
The work,The damage,
And what does anyone else get?
Especially those who hurt me?
Nothing
They get away,
They get to live their lives,
Away from the pain,
Away from the damage,I sit here.
StillDamaged.
The endless circle,
The vicious circle,
Never-ending,
So it seems.
Damaged goods,I remain,
That was how they wanted me.
What to do when someone messes with you so much
Screws up your mind to such a degree
That you can't possibly think far enough ahead
Can't possibly sift through the wreckage
Can't possibly handle the total import of the whole situation
For you needed them too much
You needed them for you life depended on it
What to do?
There is no one there that has the answers
There never was and never will be
No human is capable enough
To have saved me in the first place
To save me now
To reverse the damage
I flounder
Through my life
Still hoping somehow, someday
I will rise above this
Somehow on my own
As I always was
From such a young age
Overcome
Conquer
Become something more than
Damaged Goods.

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