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Monday, June 19, 2006

Babble about bullshit

I'm back again, not knowing what to do or where to go or whom to trust. Or even if I feel like trying to live in this damn cruel world. I want out, out of what Im not sure. I just I cant continue this any longer. I had planned to finally confide in him today. To try and make him understand what small simple scratches, not even really cuts can mean to me. How healing they are. I'm sure he knows I'm doing it again but so far have kept in under control nothing deep, nothing noticable when I'm dressed. Passable as puppy scratches. But before I could have the time to bring it up, so much more has happened. The kids came to the flea market today and travis told grandpa to have mom bring him and granny to mcdonalds to see the boys cause loretta wont let them come to the house. And grandpa kept repeating it, we got in a semi screaming match. Him saying he was going to say anything he wanted to and repeat it 900 times if he wanted or he was moving. I was just trying to tell him she and I who was sittin in the bathroom with a pocketsword, heard him the first 10 damn times. Then they and Cdub discussed rather loudly how they was mad at travis too but wasnt going to take it out on the boys. As if thats what I'm trying to do. Damnit dont none of them understand that I cant play nice with these people that are playing mind games with me and the baby. I'dnever do anything to hurt him. But I cant sit around and pretend like everything the boy said never really happened. That Travis himself said happened. I love Gage and Aiden more than life itself. But I cant sit around while mom and travis and everybody else sits around and forgets! I cant forget, I wont forget. But goddamn what are they tellin the boys. Gage was almost 3 before either of his parents really acknowledged his existence. He was hurt enough as a baby, damn why cant these people stop all this goddamn pretending. Shhh it never happened, its all a dream, or no thats wrong, youre remembering it wrong. Loretta's crazy dont listen to her. Damnit Ive heard all this shit before. And I know why I am this because when people are getting along (for the moment) in this family, the bad stuff neverhappened. Well apparently I wasnt blessed with that type of ignorance. I also cant simply forget. It was her idea to start seeing shrinks in the first place, and to listen and do what they say. Well, I am. I refuse to mindfuck myself any longer.

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