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Thursday, June 15, 2006

An explanation, thats not

Cutting. you wanted to understand this the other nite. Well here is what Ive come up with. No ok it may not technically feel good, it may not make shit better. But it makes it WORK. It stops time tempororarily. It makes everything else seem so far away. that only i can cause the damage that i have just carved or cut or many other things that you havent even noticed. and no i dont feel good about hiding this habit from you. or feel lucky when i find a new way that you never realize. the excuses i have are ready made, i guess in a way it comes natural to me. i have my next excuse planned long before i leave a mark. it makes all seem so much easier. it gets the pain to the surface and out. it makes it go away, albeit only for a short while. theres moments in time when you will hurt yourself that you realize that pain isnt all that bad. if i can do it myself and see it, and feel it and hurt, but i cant make it equal the pain im reaching for i dont guess. im hoping to achieve the bliss. the feeling you get, when you get to leave yourself and become someone new. its alll over when you can make it hurt yourself so he doesnt have to. he cant achieve what you can becase he cant leave his mark lest he be known. i can leave my own and only be called weird or stupid or jerrys word' its an unattractive feature' yeah ok like i give a damn. it helped me get to sleep the nite before. fuck you and everyone else who doesnt know how good it feels to control your own pain your own bliss.

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