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Friday, June 23, 2006

Babble time

Drunk, writing, typing. This I'll never understand. Why must I feel compelled these times? Most of the time I'm fine, I really am. But tonight and yesterday and whom am I fooling, it's been this way for days. The anniversary? What a name to call such thing! David calling? Shane? Who the fuck is they to tell me what I must be feeling? Is that it? Maybe anger? That I can deal. Anything else, unacceptable. Where did he get off for sure? My own father, my daddy, my protector, couldn't give a rat's ass. Why should I? Momma told, from the babes mouth it comes,. Rejected refused, isolated. Forced to live this life of pain. One whom which the mother accepts these days. But SHE is not to blame she says, its him, always daddy, or at least someone else. When in reality she just couldn't protect her own daughter. For what? Why did I deserve the treatement that I took? Just a kid, just a babe, younger than my Gage, not even my own child. What would I do? Hell no I wouldn't behave the way you did, for survival or not, my kid comes first. Being molested, being abused, shhh don't tell. What the fuck, I just don't get it. I cant imagine telling him not to tell me something that hurts me, if he himself has been being hurt by someone we love, every day, every nite of his life. Where does she get off? I don't get it. Sitting here alone with nothing but my thoughts and Jerry's sleeping body. Who am I to tell these deep dark thoughts of mine. What if the boys tell themselves? I'd never tell them to keep their mouths shut. Just pray that they don't think there's any problem with Aunt Loretta, crying desperately clinging to them swearing nothing will ever hurt them. It must be damaging to their souls. Am I just has bead as the bad people who hurt children. I'm giving them fear where fear should not be had of the innocent. But I'm giving them the mistrust, the anger I feel towards anyone in charge. Its wrong I know. But would I rather them kill a cop or teacher that touch them inappropriately. Or what if it was him, the one who hurt me. I couldn't tolerate that. I'd prefer a a rude and hateful child than one who thought that they had to adheere to all adult authority. Hell no, they can say no, even inappropriately, even if wrong a million times, to be right once when an adult wished to hurt them.I must decide, I must conquer this fear, irrational or not. I've just got this feeling something is going to happen to one of them, or already has. To the girls or to the boys, I don't think I could survive. I don't get it. Some have said it's the ages that remind us of our past and bring about all our fears. Briana's when it ended, Alisha is when it happen the worst, Gage is when I sought help, denied, a chance at purity revoked. Aidens when it started? Who knows? Not me. I'll accept anything but defeat. He will never hurt them, plans are being made. To serve lifetime in jail, or the death penalty, would be worth it, to stop the damage, prevent a cycle. A mental institution they could put me in, no worse than what I've lived. I'd love to serve, a nuthouse, I've been many times before. In prison, I'd love to see REAL bars surrounding me., ones I could reach and touch

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